I have said more times than I can count in the last two weeks... "I have more peace than I've ever known"
This seems weird to me because I don't think that in my ENTIRE life Ive know a day without an angst within.
I'm an over achiever because that is what people praised in me. It helped me to belong. If you want something done, give it to a busy person. And busy I was, and I accomplished things like it was my job. I did so at a cost. And I always worried it was not enough.
The other day a friend came over and said to me "why are all your shoes black?" LOL it is 100% true. Even my tennis shoes... are black. You know why? because they match everything I own. Black.
You know why? because when I was a kid I didn't have a lot of clothes or shoes. To be honest I had one "Mary Jane" type of shoe - to which to this day I HATE and sneakers. I can't even remember having sandals or flip flops... probably why I love being barefoot to this day. maybe I had sandals but I can tell you I don't ever remember having them. I have shoes that match all my clothes and my clothes all match each other because it makes financial sense. Sometimes my subconscious forgets I am not poor. I also only buy good shoes, and they are pricey but that matters to me. I hated going to Kmart for shoes. And I hated only getting shoes when they didn't fit - not when they were worn out. That's how it was.
The trauma still sits deep within me, and as I break free and find peace and heal that awful trauma - I find myself doing (or not doing) things that I would normally do. The other day it was one thing after another at work. It normally stresses me out, instead I took a deep breath and calmly (instead of getting upset) took one item at a time and made a plan. Now - I always make a plan but its usually not calmly. I don't complain about my job, I simply look at it as provision and a place God has me to do whatever it is He wants me to do there. He didn't call me to turmoil and so I won't look at it that way. For the first time in my life, I might just be the calmest person in the room. Weird.
You know what I did the other day? I bought brown sandals. Months ago I saw them on the Vionic website and I wanted them but thought... they aren't black. I also have a thing that wearing black with brown shoes is WRONG. Its an old fashion faux pax that one simply did not do that. And I am not sure I can bring myself to do that, but maybe. and I must say... I LOVE THEM.
For years I have said "my dad did the best he could" and maybe that was true. But let me tell you... it was not good. I will not speak ill of my father, he is not around to defend himself, but my life as a child and a teenager was TRAU-MATIC.
And it affected me and still affects me, but one thing I won't do is stay hurting. Its really amazing to feel the peace inside me AND see the fruit of that peace. I almost feel like a completely different person - except that I am still the really awesome person I've always been! Except better!
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