I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. About Me. Who I am.
It’s been kind of interesting. Women, in general, are funny because we talk a lot (and I mean A LOT) and we don’t necessarily want an answer but we talk to help sort it out, like somehow hearing it in our “outloud voice” helps us to solve our problems. But it’s nice when we have awesome people in our lives to help us sort it out.
I’ve been talking to a lot of friends, a lot of people who know me in different ways. Some who didn’t know me before I was a Christian, some who have known me for a short time, some who have known me for a long time. All gave me some awesome perspectives. 2 out of 3 know that some of my dilemmas of late are due to self esteem. I know that people see things in me that are awesome, but I don’t see them in myself.
Some, a lot, of things have come from when I was a kid. Not feeling special, and even though I know that my mom fought hard to live, she still left me. I know… I know…
As of late, I have been cutting back on my volunteering, not because I want to, but because I have the incredible need to keep my sanity. I have also been doing a lot of reflecting on how I got here. How I got so tired, exhausted. And it’s very funny, ok, maybe not funny, but I know God was up there, saying “I could stop this but she needs to learn on her own. I keep teaching her this lesson… and she keeps missing the point…” I can see Him up there, shaking His head, “here she goes again”. I think I missed the mark because I never shut up long enough to listen (I am so glad I have a great friend who is my accountability partner for my 5 minutes a day). I always understood the “rules” with God but never the “relationship” with God. I always thought you just prayed for help, I never knew to praise. Now I get that it’s a two way street, and the view is better, the ride is smoother, if you do it with God as your Father, but mostly, as your friend, as someone how loves you for who you are, good and bad. I am not saying that there isn’t construction (there are orange barrels all around me right now) but I know where I’ve been, I even know how I got there, and I know where I want to be. One step at a time, get out the map, because here I come.
Comments