I've been gone since Friday... sorry I haven't written....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, a lot of praying. Trying to figure out exactly it is that I belong. I know it sounds very odd, but I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I can be like a chameleon and blend in anywhere. I can be blue, brown, green, just don't ask me to be pink, I can't do that.

There are a lot of layers to me, a few peeled back depending on how much I feel like I can trust someone. A lot of walls built up because of people who I thought I could trust.

I'm stuck because I feel like my skin of the chameleon is tired of changing. I know it sounds weird, I know who I am, but people have a different view of me or they want me to be something that I don't know if I can be. Does that make sense?

Let's start with being a Christian. I am a Christian, my walk may be long, but there is no doubt who my heart belongs to. Maybe I don't have the best testimony everyday, for one, I can cuss like a sailor, I'm not proud of it, but I do. There are many a bad choice I have made, and many that come up to me everyday, and I sometimes would like to make the wrong choice, it seems more fun. With all my mistakes, I know who my heart belongs to, I know who I am following, but my growth needs to come from Him, I need to listen to Him, not who everyone else wants me to be.

Let's move on to being a mother. A task that I take very seriously. A task that I constantly second guess myself on. Everyday. How will the decisions I make today, affect the outcome of the beautiful, beautiful (I say it once for external beauty and once for internal beauty). I think I am a pretty good mom, I have raised ‘the princess and the pea’ daughter, but I think she’s doing all right.

I sometimes feel like I am constantly in a state of keeping everyone happy. Sometimes I feel like while I am trying to keep everyone else happy, I feel like I lose myself. I feel like I know who I am but because it’s not the norm, I feel like everyone is trying to change me. But I truly feel like all the mishaps, God has taken them all, and made good of them.
I know who I am, if only I could get those around me to realize I like who I am. I may not be perfect, but God is working in me everyday.

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.