I found myself yesterday in quiet. A place I don't visit very often. I don't like it there. I like to be by myself, but I don't like the quiet times when doubt and hurt can creep up on me in ways I just don't like.I know that something is bugging me because I take my speed from my normal 100mph to 200mph. You think I'm kidding? I'm not.
I find that when I don't want to, or just don't know how to deal with something that's what I do. When I feel like things are the way I think they should be, vrooom... faster faster, keep on going. paint on a bigger smile, no one will know. And you know what? they don't.
I am at a time in my life when believe it or not, all I know is that I belong to God. That's all I got. Which is a lot. I've always been something. I've been Bob's daughter, Phyllis's mommy, an employee of XX Corporation, and the list could go on and on... Those are things I do, and part of who I am. But what I really am, is God's girl.
I have a hard time sleeping. Because right now, I'm wound pretty tight. I've resorted to vitamin supplements that help me to relax. not everyday but somedays.
I've actually had to stop and take time for myself, for my own well and good. And I feel like even though I'm doing a lot, I'm letting people down. In the silence, I hear "not good enough".
It's funny, you'd think that going to GCofH would be about them, about serving them. I've learned more in the last few weeks about myself and I've probably learned more about the bible because I've been more focused on reading it, than you would believe. It's become quite a blessing for me.
I am someone who has the ability to feel God in really big ways around me. I know a lot of people possess this trait. In my loneliest times, I can feel God's presence around me. When I feel like I suck, when I feel like I don't deserve anything, I can feel God's love for me. I can feel so much of God around me right now, I think I will just rest for a moment, in Him. And when He's ready, I'll be back up to my normal speed.
In Me - Casting Crowns
If You ask me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If You ask me to go
Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
Cause when I'm weak,
You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to know that You want me
So I'll stand on Your truth,
and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory,
by the power of Christ in me
If You ask me to run
And carry Your light into foreign land
If You ask me to fight
Deliver Your people from satan's hand
To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart
And to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory
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