a little insight into my heart

Its a funny thing 'empty nest' syndrome.  You think when you're kids are 2 or 3 that you can't wait for it you might think 'imagine my life when I can do whatever I want".  The funny thing about me is that for the last 17 years, I have done whatever I wanted because I just wanted to be a mom.  Another funny thing about me is that about 17.5 years ago when given the chance to be a mom, I almost didn't because I wasn't sure that was my path.  Funny how God knows our path long before we do...  you know that I've said a million times that I didn't know how to be a mom, almost every day is an adventure of walking blindly for me.  Sometimes I just wait for God to open my eyes about something because I don't know what to do, I think they call that blind faith, I call it being scared of making the wrong decision. 

My daughter is a Junior, soon to be a senior.  I always wanted her to be and do whatever she wanted, and I've prayed for those opportunities and like crazy envelopes that sit with money in them on your arm chair and you don't even know its there, they came, fast and furious.  She wants to go away to school.   I kind you not, that child has had her bags packed and ready to take on the world since she was 2.  (She could pack her own suitcase since she was 10 with little help, she even packed pretty much both our suitcases for our last Cedar Point trip)  Is she scared sometimes, sure, but I always try to stand behind her yelling "you can do it, you can do ANYTHING", but she's about to leave to college.  WOW, how did that happen?  And I'm about to have an empty nest.

I think that people have always asked me to have drinks after work or go to this party or that party but really I always want to go home.  Home is where my heart is, home is where Phyllis is.  I always kind of felt like I worked all day, and she's the best part of my day so why wouldn't I just want to go home.  It's not that I don't love those people or love spending time with them, but I love her best.  Maybe you understand, maybe you don't.  I've always just tried to do the best I could.

Now you can tell me that she'll always be my daughter and she'll always need her mama. I know. But there is some kind of weird thing in my heart that happens when I kiss her forehead good night or ask her if she slept well.  Or to see that cute face of hers when she first wakes up in the morning or says 'can you check the weather?'  I love that sound she makes when I buy cherries because I know she loves them but it kills me because they are expensive!

And BTW isn't empty nest syndrome for old people?  Hello!  I'm only 37, I won't even be 40 when she graduates. 

What do you do when you can do whatever you want?  I'm not sure because I've always just wanted to be her mom.

I guess it will just be another blind adventure.

“The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.”- Habakkuk 3:19