A lie becomes the truth

I went to that inner healing prayer.  I almost canceled, I was frightened.

What if its a waste of time?
But that's not really what I was afraid of, I was really afraid that it was going to hurt.  What if I go back to that place, it hurts, and it never stops hurting?

But God did not create us with a spirit of fear, and He said it right to me, 'I did not create you with a spirit of fear', how do you cancel after that?

Before we actually started, this time in my life that I had forgotten popped in my head, which I thought was nothing, but it was all I could see.  The lie I believed?  That I was never a priority, that something was always picked over me.  That I was the wrong daughter that lived, that I didn't matter, that no one really cared to know me because they didn't really love me, that I'd never measure up.  And that was it, it was all a lie.  And God showed me that. 

You can't be measured by someone else's ruler, and then a visualization of a ruler.  And did you know that there is this ruler on my desk, that has my name on it?  Its a crazy thing, I've always loved that ruler.

Last night was my 10th grade girls life group.  Every life group went to the new Metro Building, well, every life group but ours.  I wanted to take the girls to a play, The Current, but one of the girls couldn't go, so if one can't go, then we all can't go to something like that if its on a life group night.  I got a lot of flack because I wanted to have life groups, I felt no leading to go to the building, I felt leading to have life groups. I take life groups very seriously, I know we have fun, and often get off topic, but I take it seriously, and if I feel lead to do something, then we do it.  And I felt lead to have life groups.  I even got the 'Don't you want to serve God?'  One thing I've learned is that we should not do things out of guilt.   I just said in my heart 'I am, just in a different way'. 

We read John 5 last night.  We read the whole thing but our discussion never got past this:

1 Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. 2 Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3 Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. 5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”
8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

This guy, hurt and broken, could get into this well to be better, but he just kept making excuses why he couldn't.  And maybe those things that held him back were real, but maybe, he was afraid of getting well. Maybe the fear of the unknown held him back.  Maybe he didn't realize how great freedom was, because he didn't know what it was.
I've heard people talk about freedom in Christ, and on some levels, I had that. But I think I was always held back.  I had 'good' reasons for never getting help, I was too busy, I was helping others, I was serving God, all what some may call valid.  This summer, God kept saying to me, "I've got some work to do in you, and I need you to be all here'.  I have come a long way in my walk, but I can tell you, I think I came an equal distance in that one hour, and found this crazy freedom that I saw that other people had, but never quite understood. 

I want my girls to have that freedom, and we talked about it last night, 'what holds you back? what hurt do you need to overcome to find truth?  What are you feeling? what lies are you believing?' Until you figure out what lies you're believing, you'll never find the real Truth.

This journey for me is nowhere near being over.  But now as I keep on this journey, I will be walking in freedom.

At one point during that healing this is all I could see:

2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.


picture from here