They have decided that they need to “control” something and I think in my head “quit with your co-dependent behavior already”.
I might smile and think to myself “oh they are having a rough day, and probably their insides are feeling like chaos so they are trying to control things on the outside”. Why do I think that?
Because I used to feel that way all the time. I was a self-proclaimed control freak.
I used to wear it as a badge of honor.
Well, it was a badge that had a defective pin because kept poking me and causing me pain. I certainly learned that when I use the word “freak” it is a red flag that it’s not good. And I even mean that in the whole “Jesus freak” sense. I don’t want to be weird or a freak, I just want loving Jesus to seem as normal as breathing.
I will tell you that I still make lists because things need to get done, I plan out a timeline in my head of what can get done and in what time frame so that “last minute details” don’t throw me over the edge or throw me off.
I find myself a lot more at peace. I find myself almost chuckling when people are freaking out thinking “that could be you” and thanking God for teaching me the lesson of letting Him fight my battles, for letting Him walk before me and not trying to run ahead hoping “to help Him out”.
I find myself learning what it’s like to just be not do. I find myself hearing God’s voice, and sometimes the things that I hear are like surgery without anesthesia, and it hurts because sometimes pulling out a splinter actually hurts more than getting the splinter or even just leaving it, but if the splinter, like the lies that cause us pain, will fester. The infection can cause great pain and may even cause the loss of function in our hand (assuming that the splinter is in the hand), and believing lies will cause loss of function in our lives. We cannot do all the greater things that God has called us in our lives if we don’t take the pain of removing the lies, and let God heal us.
The pain of the lies in my life hurt really bad. Sometimes I have to relive the moment that lie was told, and find the truth, God’s truth, in the situation. Remembering how people who are supposed to love me and they may very well love me but they have hurt me. Sometimes I have to learn that lesson too, people who hurt us, still love us.
I’m glad with the lesson that I learned that hurting people, hurt people so that when I am hurt, I am quiet, and then I can stop the pain and hurt. I turn to God, and let Him handle the pain, the hurt, and turn it to love and joy.
I’m growing healthy fruit.
Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
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