Fear and Faith

Since I was a little girl, I have been a worrier. I think that of all the sins that I create, worry is the sin that I probably return to the most, it also is the root of my sin. Someone I love and respect once said to me “you know Margie, there is a fine line between worry and sin”.

All I could say was “ugh”

When I get angry, especially in the middle of an event, it’s because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the people at the event will think I messed something up, and mostly I’m just mad at myself for messing something up.

My struggle with sexual sin is because I’m worried that no one will ever really love me. And I learned at a very young age that we can get affection, which is not love but it takes time to learn that lesson, if I turn up my sexuality. It took me a long time to learn that I’m more beautiful when I am not sexual (that was a hard lesson to learn).

When I worry about money, it’s because I am afraid that I will somehow let down my daughter and people will think I’m a terrible mom and person.

There is really one thing that I don’t worry about. Death. Isn’t that funny? It is probably the one thing I am most certain of, my place in heaven.

Fear only proves that I am self centered, which I hate about myself. My faith, even when it is as small as a mustard seed, shows my love for Jesus!

I’ve been fasting since yesterday. It’s been a different kind of experience than I’ve ever had. This is not a diet for me! Yes, this is definitely doing some good things in my body to detox because I eat a lot of junk, and almost everything I’ve put in my body in the last couple days isn’t just considered healthy, but mostly organic, which is really moving my heart to do more organic in our home because I want to be as healthy as possible. The best part is that God is really just speaking to me. “be faithful”.

I haven’t decided how long I will fast, probably just a few more days. At first, I thought 2 weeks then I thought 40 days… and I really feel like if I do 40 days, it will seem more about me, not about God. And that is not my intent. I want to do what God wants me to do, and I want to be faithful and I’d rather be faithful in my fast for 3 days then to cheat or not be faithful for 40 days. Fear tells me that once again “I must do something BIG” but faith says “be faithful in small things, just be faithful”.

The silliest thing happened yesterday… I had followed everything all day, and then it happened, I purchased 100 pieces of pizza for our Jr. High Ministry. Ok, who does that? Who fasts all day, and then serves pizza! What a bonehead! I was starving! I could have easily eaten a piece and no one would know. I mean, I was so hungry, my brain wasn’t working correctly. I couldn’t even use the copier correctly. As I was just thinking “who would know?” God simply said to me “I would”. Oh brother. This isn’t about a diet, it is about Jesus. It is about growing closer to Him. So I walked away from the pizza, and took a closer step towards Him. Be faithful. It doesn’t matter what anyone else sees or hears, it is God whom I serve.

God has really been changing my heart. And as I grow in faith, my fear diminishes.

I’m learning, and believing, that fear isn’t real. Faith is.

1 Sam 16:7But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”