I found myself wanting to fight this morning. Now, at one time in my life I might have just thought that is normal. Maybe someone needs to be put in their place, and certainly I can be the girl for the job. But that's not how I am now. So I start really getting to the core.
Fear.
I've been wondering so much, are You sure God?? Surely I am not equipped. And where am I going to get the money? How this and how that? And a lot of "are you sures??" I mean I already love a building and its got tons of character and tons of broken windows. Oh and when/if I get the money to buy the building how will I get the money to pay for the things that need repaired.
And so I asked for prayer and started my list of thankfuls.
Dear God,
Remember when I was little and You gave me the desire to be a teacher, well, God I'm sorry I gave up on that dream. But God thanks for never getting rid of my desire and love for muffins. And God, thanks for letting me love the craziest of kids, and thanks for making Phyllis not crazy :) and God thank You for teaching me that hard work matters. And thank you for your grace when I didn't. Thank you for giving me that i can do and ill never give up attitude. thanks for helping me to let go of pain and the ability to hold on to sweet memories. And thank You for my crazy desire to cook and thank you for calling me to go on mission trips and thank you for helping me to recognize that every day and every step I take is a mission trip because that's what my life is. And thank you that even though today I look like I should be Haiti not an office, thanks for my skirt to remember that you called me to do crazy things. And God thanks for Marianna that you put in my path on Saturday God to remind you are everywhere and that I could see you in her and thanks that I got to ask that other little girl the name of her dog in Spanish.
And God it comes to no surprise to you, but I'm scared. I'm afraid of mucking it all up and then my life doesn't point to You.
God I know this fear is separating me from you because its painful, so God I'm holding on with both hands, and I'm not letting go. I can't make it without you. I loveyou and I thank you that you never ever let me go!!
God please keep my feet in complete step with yours. I loveyou.
Thanks for loving me, surely I don't deserve it.
Sending love
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