I'll be resting

Rest

It doesn't sound great does it?

What gets accomplished when we rest?

Nothing

I am conditioned to move forward, get things done. "What have you been up to?" People ask. I want a good answer. 

What am I supposed to say? "Nothing, I'm resting" 

Yeah that seems dumb.

The truth is that I'm exhausted.

I can't be "on" anymore. I can't pretend to be peaceful when my insides are a mess, my crazy leaks out. My anxiety flares. I feel terrible and want to fight, all the time, and almost everyone.

I want to cry but I can't because I'm afraid I'll never stop, and I don't even know what I'd cry about. Life is good. And... I'm afraid to laugh too hard because I might start crying. How the heck do I explain that?

I'm back from Uganda thinking I was going to have clear direction of what is next. 

I.got.nothing.

A couple of people have said "maybe it's time for rest" 

And I think I already knew that, I just didn't want to do it. 

A couple years ago I took a rest. Which meant that I did rest but I still served, I was  closely listening to the Spirit and followed the lead of Him of where to serve. Nothing was overwhelming. It was glorious, and joy full and no serving was done out of obligation or guilt. I actually said "no" a lot. But even as great it was, it was still so hard.

Being busy is who I am, getting things accomplished is my gig. It's my sweet spot.

So I'm resting, whatever that looks like in this season.

I'm hoping to be quiet and listen.

I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to it or that I'm not nervous. 

So if you find me and I look dead, don't worry, I'm just resting.

Or I might be having the time of my life ❤️