Trust

This morning i was thinking about trust. Why it’s so hard for me to open my heart sometimes and trust people and to be honest sometimes, God. 

In recent light of so many cases of sexual harrassment and thinking of things that have happened to me and why women don’t come forward, it might be about trust. From my own experiences, the reason i didn’t come forward is because I’m not sure I trusted those in charge to really remedy the situation without retaliation from the offender. I don’t know if  i trust/trusted that I won’t be the one who carries the shame and I’m at a point in my life where i can’t and won’t carry someone else’s shame as if it’s my own. And so I close down, I hold it in, I get stomach aches but that, at least in my mind, seems better than public shame. But i think I’m still carrying it, just differently. And that’s awful to think that way. Almost like I’m betraying myself. I can imagine that for years so many people have felt that way. So I don’t wonder why after a few women (and/or men) come forward, after a few are brave enough to come forward, more do, because it’s easier to stand with others.

So take that and my lack of trust, it makes it hard to open my heart to others because sometimes I need to see first that I can trust them. I guess somewhere in my mind and heart I do my best to protect myself by building walls (with doors) so that I can choose who comes in and who doesn’t because those walls give me time to figure out if I can trust them.  

But that’s not ok for me the more I think of it. I can’t live with heart wide open and walls built up. It’s just not possible. As my promise and goal to myself to become strong, I’m realizing that I must TRUST not with reckless abandon but with wisdom and discernment because I can’t truly love with a wall between me and the people I’m trying to love. 

Well... that’s the crazy thoughts rolling around in my head at 4am. I’m sure there is more to come....

I’m healing from the inside out