I know that the number on my jeans and the number on the scale don’t define me and it’s so easy how people become obsessed with them whether it’s too high or when it’s so low it’s bordering (or is) unhealthy.
I know that right now i weigh the most I’ve weighed and i hate that about me. The truth is the last two years have been so hard. Most days i can’t believe I’ve made it.
My body is holding on to this weight like it’s life depends on it. I honestly think it’s because deep down I’m holding onto something too.
I’m working on some hard stuff right now and longing to believe that i am loved, cherished, beautiful, a masterpiece.
But it’s hard to believe those things when i know what a mess i am, the way people have treated me my whole life (like i was too much or never enough), it’s hard to believe that i am worthy of love just like i believe everyone else is.
I think of Mark 9 and the father who takes his son in need of healing
““ ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!””
I’ve seen God do crazy things in my life, I’ve seen His miracles daily. I’ve seen transformation in the lives of others and in my own life. So i know it can be done, but sometimes deep rooted heart changes are hard to overcome. Believing I’m worthy and beautiful and cherished, it’s hard. But my prayer today... “Jesus, i do believe help me overcome my unbelief!”
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