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| Picture from here |
I am the biggest chicken when it comes to feeling. Somewhere along the way, someone made my feelings something to be ashamed of. I’ve cried my whole life. And you know what else I’ve heard my whole life? “stop crying”
Those
words have taught me to stuff my feelings down and distance myself from pain.
Which is terrible. It has made me sick
inside.
Today my
dad goes in for ANOTHER procedure. And I’ve
distanced myself from the pain that comes from all the terrible outcomes that
could happen. There just doesn’t seem to
be time to feel all those feelings.
I was
thinking about that today as I choked back tears after dropping my dad off at
the hospital.
Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are
those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”.
The
other day I looked up the word “Blessed” in this scenario and it means “made
holy”.
Grief
doesn’t seem to just happen once, its an ongoing process. The comfort from grief seems to come a little
at a time for me. It is tempting for me
to run hard and fast from grief. It is
hard to feel pain. But the truth is that shutting down to not feel grief also
means that I miss the authentic joy of going through life with an open heart
and feeling all the feels while holding on to God. There is great joy in trusting God to be all
things to me, a Healer and a Comforter, and a Friend.
Holding
back all the emotions, closing myself up causes me anxiety because that’s not
how I was meant to live my life. I was
meant to live my life with heart wide open, I know that, and it’s time to go
from knowing, believing… and to actually
living that way.
Heart
wide open
Loving
Fierce
Here's to feeling, my friends, may it be hard, and worth it. May it be all it is meant to be, in order to love with a heart wide open.
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