Writing about objects turned out to be the hardest thing i had to write about. I was going to write about the tray i inherited from my grandma or my favorite purses from better life bags.
I started thinking about why it was so hard. I thought about how hard it is for me to accept gifts, how i hate opening gifts in front of people but how i love to give gifts. It's such a strange thing in my life.
I went "in the way back time machine" and thought about when i was a kid, i thought about when i was a teenager, and when i grew into an adult and how gifts had affected me. I could remember as a kid loving certain gifts i received and some gifts i did not but never wanting to hurt someone's feelings for getting me a gift but me not liking it. My gram bought me THE UGLIEST clothes but i never wanted to hurt her feelings and even though i desperately needed clothes I'd just be quiet about it and either wear the clothes (and hate them!) or tuck them in a drawer and lie about how they were dirty that i had just worn them when she'd ask me why she never saw me in them. Weird how inherently i knew how to lie as to not hurt her feelings. I remember thinking "don't you know i hate flowers on clothes or bright colors?" I still do. But i would see her face if someone else didn't like their gift and i didn't want to do that. How did i know that as a kid?????
I have certain friends and my daughter who buy me the most perfect gifts, and i love them but it's so uncomfortable to this day to open gifts in front of people.
For me, the greatest gift isn't something i can hold in my hand.
It is time.
Time is valuable to me. A limited resource.
My calendar (yes I'm still old school and use a planner) used to be filled with ink and places i had to be. The white space was something that had to be filled, i loved a very busy life, trying to please everyone, be everywhere, as to not disappoint anyone. I see a pattern here. 🤦🏼♀️
Now i love the blank spaces in my calendar and i appreciate my time with people i love and care about and i do my best to make space for the people i love. Sometimes my best is really good, and sometimes the obligations of life make it not so easy.
I look forward to days like this coming Saturday that i have literally nothing planned. I just looked at the forecast and it's going to be "warm" 46*. Warm is a relative term in Michigan 😂 so I'll spend some of it outside, maybe do an unofficial 5k, take a nap, maybe have lunch with someone. I will swim in the nothingness of my most valuable gift. Blank space used to make me so uncomfortable but now i cherish it.
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