It has been a year since my dad passed away. A year filled with ups and downs.
A year of grief, laughter, tears, and joy. And therapy 😛
There have been people who have checked on me almost weekly - without actually saying "how are you doing with the death of your father?" or making me feel like they felt sorry for me (no need for that). in the last year, I don't think more than 2 weeks has ever gone by by without hearing from my uncle. (SHOUT OUT TO HIM!). It has meant so much.
And on the contrary, I have asked for help, and heard crickets. One time I asked for help and the two guys didn't show up- and I had turned down the help from someone else - so now my kayak still needs to be hung. Trust me when I tell you - I'll never ask them for help again.
I shared on another post that I pretty much waited for my dad to die MY WHOLE LIFE. As a child, I worried because my mom died, so in my little Margie mind "parents die too soon" and then as he got older and sick, I just kept thinking it would happen.
So after one year, I still miss the old geezer.
I miss calling him.
I miss the dumb sayings he used to say... but what are you going to do? Shit or go blind. (one of my dad's most notable phrases - to which I have NO IDEA what it actually means - but this I promise you - I say it whenever possible.
After a year -
I find no shame in my tears - no matter why or where I am at the moment they come. One thing I know is that tears are strength and only those who don't possess an emotional strength will find them a sign of weakness.
I've tried to make no big life changing decisions in the past year - except Lions tickets - I did that.
I've learned to see people through a different lens, and I think my empathy super power has only increased, and my tolerance for BS has decreased - but that might be because of menopause. Either way is fine for me.
A year ago today, I was in Costco and they had their walnuts out. I called my dad to see if he needed any. My call went right to VM. So I called on the house phone. No answer. My first thought was that he was probably going to the bathroom - he said I had the best timing for phone calls.
I waited a little bit and called again. Straight to VM. I laughed because I thought - oh he did it again. He was always "accidentally 😆" sending my number to DND. I checked the alarm and it was off so I thought "he must be up" and decided to proceed with the purchase of Walnuts - he and Phyllis would need them for holiday baking"
As I was standing in the LONG Saturday line at Costco, a call came in. I was 2 from the checkout and got a call from a number I didn't know. The guy was the PT guy. He called and said I should probably check on my dad because he didn't answer the door the day before and my dad wasn't answering his call. All these things were strange.
At that moment. I knew.
I checked the motion sensors - none had gone off since Friday at 12:06. So then I really knew.
I headed out of Costco - and called my cousin Kathy. And made her "ride with me" until I got to my dad's. I figured it best not to do that all on my own. (thanks Kath!) and that's where I found him. Fully dressed (thank You Lord!!) in the bathtub. He must have fallen over... Holding his cell phone. No long goodbyes. My dad went out on his terms, just like he said he always wanted...
and from there our lives were changed.
(can I say again "Thank You Lord" that he was fully dressed)
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