It's been a long 3 months. Honestly harder than i thought they'd be. As someone who feels but checks boxes (gets things done) to cope (protect myself) nothing prepared me for the loss of my dad even though i had a feeling it was coming soon -
But why i realized just 5 minutes ago, I've held my dad dying as a fear as a child. So maybe all this grief has been bottled up for 51 years
I started listening to a podcast by Anderson Cooper about grief and Ashley Judd talked about when her mother died she also grieved death from a childhood loss and that hit me.
Top all that grief off like a cherry on top of a Sundae, i have a particularly stressful job.
It was a recipe for a depressive incident. I knew i wasn't doing well - I stopped wanting to eat. Went through the motions of what I'm called to do (i was really resenting making lunches for the homeless but God didn't say i could stop so i didn't), i didn't particularly like doing Margie Mail. But i thought there's kids that look forward to it. I wanted to write but couldn't find the words.
And i felt stuck in all of my grief and i think that was the worst. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to ask for. (Also as a reminder- if people are struggling in grief- don't ask them what to do, just show up with a meal, flowers, send a card, go on vacation with them - just show up)
So i posted "grief is hard"
And people reached out. One person runs a grief support group and invited me to join (send me a DM if you are interested). I received so much love in a moment that i didn't know what to ask for.
A week later i feel so much better. Even though i don't start my support group until end of February - i have a plan and feel unstuck. My friends have surrounded me. I'm reading again, and seem to be able to
Collect my thoughts to write again no matter how rambling it might be.
It's not that I'm not grieving any longer it's just that I'm living a little more.
”Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.“
Romans 12:15 ESV
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