Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Everyday I wake up around 2am and I can't figure out where I am. The other day I actually got out of bed in a panic, where is my team? I had been dreaming we were all together and woke up alone. 

I have all these feelings inside and don't know how to express them, and I can't seem to trust myself to let them out. I feel surrounded by people who love me and completely alone. 

I really do want to cry every minute. I try not to laugh too hard because it will soon turn to tears.

I am afraid to ask tough questions for fear of the answers, even though i know I'm the one who needs to ask.

I feel completely in love and completely heartbroken at the same time.

I feel the longing to be a momma, even with a grown child, which is a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. 

I feel the need to love and hug while scared to feel for the risk of love is great.

I miss Haiti. I drove around yesterday, knowing I am blessed to live here. Knowing God has me here for a reason, and I trust Him but my heart longs for the uncomfortable places, the difficult and the dirty, the vibrant and the beautiful.

I don't really know how to explain it, but to be in a place that makes me feel most like Jesus, and serving Him seems easy, a place I know I'm called.

I feel trapped because I'm not sure of what step to take first. 

All I know is this... This verse popped up in my head over and over while we were there...

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:18 ESV)

It's time to get to walking, but it's also time to stop and look to Him for direction in which way to go.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105 ESV)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Trust and simplicity

There is a saying that if you want milk you just can’t sit in the field and wait for the cow to come to you.  And honestly I’ve lived most of my life that way.  Want something?  Go get it.

And I am always busy.  And this month, I am going to take it easy.  Going to prepare my heart for my next trip and what God has up His sleeve.   Normally I would be trying to do a bunch of things to make it happen, try to figure out what God has planned.  And let’s face it trying to get one step ahead of Him.

I am going to trust Him.  I am going slow down, listen, be still.  I am not sure what's the plan, but i know the Planner.  I know that whatever He has planned is better than anything i could possibly come up with on my own.  And I have to learn to trust that and the process He wants me to go through, and it might be painful and times, but totally worth it.

I have a few things I am signed up to complete for the rest of July and August but I am going to be practicing my Haitian “no”. 

Life is about to get simpler.  Rice and Beans and time with God.  It really does sound glorious, doesn’t it?

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Love from Haiti

It's my last morning in Haiti. 

I can't put into words what I'm feeling.

I'm excited to see my girl, but already missing here. I'm excited to see what God has in store for "what's next" but I'm not looking forward to moving at the speed of light.

I am going to miss...

late night conversations and creole lessons 
Yucky honey candy 
Cold toros 
Rice & beans
Rice and bean sauce so good I moaned with delight 
Spaghetti for breakfast
Boiled eggs with hot sauce
Yummy hot dogs
Yummy fruit candy
Haitian cards
Sweet faces 
My poppy pants team
Sappy music
James brown impersonations 
Laughing til I snort
Fresh mango 
Sweet voices
He has not died, He is alive
Sweet smiles
Speaking love
Living love
Great conversations 
Open hearts
Having people correct my terrible pronunciation.
Perfect blue skies
Rooftop sleeping 
Being cold in Haiti 
Warm water
Watching little rascals in French 
Sweating on tiles
Chicken feet (dirty feet)
Little dresses 
No make up
2 birds in a tree, near the beach on boat.
Flip flops
Hot cement
Psalm 23
Feeling beautiful with no make up 
Refreshing Bucket baths
Sweet time in the bible
Medical exams 
Solid glue
Learning about Jesus
Bible lessons every night
Armor of God
Melty crayons
Marker tops on the wrong markers
Matching games 
Puzzles with missing pieces 
Sweeping over and over
Purple cleaner 

33 more days

Saturday, July 19, 2014

It's coming to an end :(

As our time  at the orphanage winds down it always proves challenging. I think that my heart breaks a little more each time and somehow God fills in those cracks and makes His love deeper and stronger than before. Only God can take something broken and and make it completely beautiful.

It's been one of the best trips we've had and probably most challenging for me. In years past we've crammed days full of stuff. And this year based on past years feedback I cut that way back which is about the complete of my personality. It's proven very challenging for people who have that same personality as me when I'm home. There is something about being in Haiti that i lose that part of me when I get on the airplane, and it is the best thing I could lose.

We've spent lots of fun times just spending time with the kids! Haitian cards, a lot of us learning how to play dominoes for the first time, basketball, futbol, coloring, but also talking about the armor of God.

I love it here. I don't know how  something that is so far out of my comfort zone can be so amazing. Even though I'm a total jeans and tshirt girl, I do love doing my hair and putting on nice clothes or going to have a nice dinner. And I hate having dirty feet or really even being dirty at all. But here, I'm thankful for the dirt. If it's on my shins it means that I was able to get water for the kids or for showers. It's God's provision. If I'm sweaty it means I'm with the people I love most in the world. 
I learned lots of new words when I was here this time, I actually stayed up late learning creole a couple nights but one night I was ridiculously tired so I am not sure how much of it I will remember ... But each time I'll get better.

We are off to debrief today. It's gonna be a rough day/night.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Most like myself

It's a crazy thing when I'm in Haiti. I feel more like the person I was meant to be.

That probably doesn't make sense but real life has closed me off from having a real life. Not being able to trust people because I'm afraid of being hurt  keeps me from really loving. Most people would be shocked to read that because i am pretty loving but just imagine that the way I am is holding back and I actually have more love to give...

Also, being relational and feeling is dangerous and leaves me vulnerable. There was a time a few months ago, all I knew I needed to do was cry. But I wouldn't. I was too busy preparing and being busy that i would not allow myself to feel.  I knew that if I started crying, I would not stop. So I didn't, and I have saved most of that "feeling" for Haiti. A safe place. 

I am kind of a touchy feely kind of person, I like to snuggle, I'd be forever smooching someone (I have told Levi and Judah I don't care when they are 15 I'll still hug and smooch them- poor kids).  I get one week at a time with these kids, and so I make the best of it.  But it's not just them, I have come to be friends with our translators.  Even when we don't have them all, I am always excited when they come to visit and just say "alo". I even forget about my own personal space. 
There is one that I have known since my first trip. Little did he know that I'd always be crying lol I think now he just comes to expect it. We find ourselves at the end of everyday talking about our day about 6 inches from each other. It's weird to me that I can trust anyone that close in my personal space. It's also weird that we can be in this very small area and not experience the same things, isn't that kind of cool?

On my last trip to Haiti I had the hardest time seeing the people in the fishing village and mountains so poor, all I wanted to do was open up and talk to him about it.  I did end up opening up to my team but it was after a long fight with myself about trusting and risking the consequences of being hurt (it was worth the risk- they are some of my most trust worthy friends). 

Haiti stretches me in ways I never knew possible. My very first trip I prayed I would love bigger than I ever thought possible, and each trip that prayer is answered louder than it was the trip before.

My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. (1 John 3:18-20 MSG)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Little dresses for Africa

I love giving out little dresses for Africa. It's seriously one if my favorite things to do every single time we come. 

There is something about meeting a need with something that is just so beautiful and knowing that God's hands are all over it from the original vision to each person who was given the talent to sew them and the sorters, what a beautiful vision of the body of Christ. 

There was this one dress. I don't know what it was about this pattern but I fell in love with it. The dresses are all so beautiful. But this one dresses. I could close my eyes and see her face, the one who would receive it. I could hear her giggle. Feel her smile. 

I don't know what it was about this one dress, it's weird because in my heart it almost felt. Sacred. Maybe they are all that way but my heart happened to be extra open at that moment and I felt God's power through it. I don't ever feel worthy of it and it seems like such an incredible gift to feel that. 

That dress. 

That Power.

His Power. 

His love. 

My heart will never be the same. 

Thank you to those who serve God in such a mighty way for His Kingdom.

Psalm 23

The kids recite scripture every night. 

Every night they recite psalm 23. It's beautiful to hear. 

This morning I decided to write the scripture out. As I wrote line I thought about the magnitude of each word, what David could have been thinking or feeling but so much I thought of the magnitude in my own life. 

How God shepherded me in from wandering
How truly, even though I have gone to bed hungry, I've never really gone without, His love and grace has been ever present in my life.
Sometimes He makes me rest, like a little kid that needs a nappy, I find myself refreshed.
His Word guides me, and His Spirit, the Holy Spirit guides me, for THE GLORY OF HIS NAME!!
Even though things can be tough, it's the shadow of death not death, death has lost it's sting over me by His blood! And because if that, there is no reason to be afraid. 
His love and power give me comfort and courage, there isn't anything I can't do without Him.
My life is overflowing with His goodness and love because He set it all up for me!
My life will be blessed and rich because I have chosen to follow Him all my life. 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Psalms 23:1-6 KJV)

Monday, July 14, 2014

Nothing for granted

I keep pictures and notes in my bible. My bible looks like something I might want to trade in for a newer model. One with a beautiful new binding that has crisp new pages but I love my bible and when it got put in a box packed away after the winter retreat I found myself PLEADING to God to return it. Maybe for too long I took for granted that bible. That it's pages were something I had a right to turn, not just turn but to read. Maybe the convenience of my bible on my phone made it just too easy. When that bible came up missing I thought I'd lose my mind. 
I could bring a smaller bible or just download it on my phone, but i bring it with me because it's my favorite and I promised to never take it for granted.

When we got to Haiti I couldn't help but smile. I mean most people in the airport are crabby, hot, annoyed by immigration, oh luggage claim... But me... Dorky cheesy big smile.  I'm in my second home, it's like my Disney world without... Well without everything. Don't call me selfless. I bring toothbrushes and arrange pb&j, I pack flip flops and clothes for those in need. You'd do it too if that's what God called you to do. I love Haiti, I love giving, I love shopping, I love organizing, I love seeing people I love, I love sharing this joy and love with others, how on earth can I be selfless. I am a voice to stand and defend those who need help, and that my friends is a pleasure not a burden. 

I lay here thinking I have 6 more days to overflow my heart to make sure I don't forget how beautiful the sky is, or the perfect shade of brown each of the muffins are, to feel the sun in all it's magnitude (and it is hot), to drink in waters nourishing qualities. I have 6 days to be on the most perfect place on earth (for me), to spend it with people I love. 

I'm so happy to lay on this crazy air mattress, looking at this perfectly blue sky, snuggled in with the Word of God.