Pursuing Love

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On my heart

October 01, 2011

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My heart has a million things to say, but it's just not time to say them.

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The journey of Grief - 1

It's been a long 3 months. Honestly harder than i thought they'd be. As someone who feels but checks boxes (gets things done) to cope (protect myself) nothing prepared me for the loss of my dad even though i had a feeling it was coming soon - But why i realized just 5 minutes ago, I've held my dad dying as a fear as a child. So maybe all this grief has been bottled up for 51 years I started listening to a podcast by Anderson Cooper about grief and Ashley Judd talked about when her mother died she also grieved death from a childhood loss and that hit me. Top all that grief off like a cherry on top of a Sundae, i have a particularly stressful job. It was a recipe for a depressive incident. I knew i wasn't doing well - I stopped wanting to eat. Went through the motions of what I'm called to do (i was really resenting making lunches for the homeless but God didn't say i could stop so i didn't), i didn't particularly like doing Margie Mail. But i tho...

Complaint Department

I hate complaints. Don't they know that I did my best? Don't they know that with each decision that had to be made, I consulted the Big Boss Man. From schedules to snacks, from crafts to music. THere was not one decision I made by myself. it was His project, i just did some leg work. I feel like they think I didn't do a good job, like somehow I failed, and do you know what that means? That means I failed God. When it's all over, I always feel like I am going to miss those kids, the complainers... not so much... Certain people complained because the snacks "weren't challenging". It's a snack for crying out loud, and a juice box. Last year the kids did not get recreation, so we tried to combine it, the best of both worlds, we didn't want them to not have anything to drink for two hours... hello it's summer time, so we did recreation and a quick snack. Yeah, i know who is in charge of snacks next year, "thanks for volunteering...

The journey of grief: Healing and new shoes

I have said more times than I can count in the last two weeks... "I have more peace than I've ever known" This seems weird to me because I don't think that in my ENTIRE life Ive know a day without an angst within. I'm an over achiever because that is what people praised in me. It helped me to belong. If you want something done, give it to a busy person. And busy I was, and I accomplished things like it was my job. I did so at a cost. And I always worried it was not enough. The other day a friend came over and said to me "why are all your shoes black?" LOL it is 100% true. Even my tennis shoes... are black. You know why? because they match everything I own. Black. You know why? because when I was a kid I didn't have a lot of clothes or shoes. To be honest I had one "Mary Jane" type of shoe - to which to this day I HATE and sneakers. I can't even remember having sandals or flip flops... probably why I love being bar...

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