Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Wall going up

I had a dream the other day about a wedding ring. I thought it was funny, I picked out a 7 carat ring. My girlfriend told me to look it up on dream interreptation. Dreaming about a wedding ring means "in the dream world" that you are hiding from pain, putting up walls. My g-friend said "that's not true about you"... but it is true, I can almost feel each brick being laid. I can feel the mortar and then each brick.
The last few months have had some major pain by people who I trusted to be my friend, to love me, but it seems that the love and friendship was only one sided. It's always hard to leave Dani, my friend who has been around for a long time. It's painful. So I put on this happy face, the one that no one sees the pain inside. I try to fool them and fool myself, but I am not fooling myself or God.
I am trying, ok, I am only fooling myself about trying to keep the bricks from going up, there's a lot of stuff I am keeping inside, there is a lot of stuff that I am keeping to myself, except that I am a dunce if I think that God doesn't know. He knows, and He is putting people in my life to help me open up, but I am resisting. I need to open up, life is better without the wall.
Its' time to be still.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God

1 comment:

T Texas Red said...

I'm kindo new to the "blog" thing.but I wanted to tell you that I understand the wall thing.
My husband of 22 years left me 3 years ago... it is a very long painful story..:)
but, I realized the other day that I have not made a single new"real" friend... I have aquaintances and co-workers that have come into my life since then but no real friends. I have lots of friends from my youth that I am still close to and immediate family(jada's gigi is my sister:) )
but I haven't let a single new person "into" my life. It's me and the "wall" thing you were talking about. Guess I just don't want any more pain, huh. But that also keeps me from the gifts that people bring into your life. Hopefully I will soon be ready to open my life to "new" people. I leaned heavily on my friends in the last 3 yrs... but haven't been open to new friends. Guess I was in survival mode huh??
As to the single parent thing ... I agree whole heartedly... I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is extremely difficult... and my guys were 16 and 18 when their dad left... tough ... very tough...but God is faithful!!!!! He has provided all that we have needed...Lots of miracles and signs and wonders... don't know what anyone does without Him??