I don’t trust easily. Sometimes I feel like I don’t trust at all. Even those really close to me don’t always know what is going on in my life. I keep most of it to myself, usually until I explode and it all comes out, usually in tears.
The only person who knows it all is God. And that’s only because I have no choice. He knows my heart.
Sometimes I do things that make me totally uncomfortable because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, but that only makes my wall go up a little higher.
I think mostly it stems from being a kid and thinking that my mother left me. I know in my heart that she didn’t, that in fact, she chose my life over hers, but those feelings are deeply rooted.
There are many times in my life when I have pulled away or even pushed someone so far out of my life that there is no way they will come back, and usually I am thankful for that.
There have been times in my life when people have just plain lied and I hate liars. (which is where yesterday’s post came from). I expected someone to be honest, they lied, and their lies just spun so far out of control they don’t know what is the truth and what’s a lie.
I’m in a funk right now, because I feel like I am all alone because I have things that I feel like I need to share, but those around me will only see what is “safe” for me to let out. I watch people, I watch what their words are and what their actions are, and that’s how I make my decisions on trust. And part of me just wishes that I could just be brave and trust and reap the rewards of trust and not worry about the consequences…
Ecc 4:9-13 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.