Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


I don’t trust easily. Sometimes I feel like I don’t trust at all. Even those really close to me don’t always know what is going on in my life. I keep most of it to myself, usually until I explode and it all comes out, usually in tears.

The only person who knows it all is God. And that’s only because I have no choice. He knows my heart.

Sometimes I do things that make me totally uncomfortable because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, but that only makes my wall go up a little higher.

I think mostly it stems from being a kid and thinking that my mother left me. I know in my heart that she didn’t, that in fact, she chose my life over hers, but those feelings are deeply rooted.

There are many times in my life when I have pulled away or even pushed someone so far out of my life that there is no way they will come back, and usually I am thankful for that.

There have been times in my life when people have just plain lied and I hate liars. (which is where yesterday’s post came from). I expected someone to be honest, they lied, and their lies just spun so far out of control they don’t know what is the truth and what’s a lie.

I’m in a funk right now, because I feel like I am all alone because I have things that I feel like I need to share, but those around me will only see what is “safe” for me to let out. I watch people, I watch what their words are and what their actions are, and that’s how I make my decisions on trust. And part of me just wishes that I could just be brave and trust and reap the rewards of trust and not worry about the consequences…

Ecc 4:9-13 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.


KayMac said...

I am sorry you were hurt and are hurting still. I am sorry you are feeling alone. You are so turn to the safest place, Jesus. "The name of the Lord is a strong towwer. The righteous run to it and are safe." Prov 18:10. We will be praying for you today.

Birmingham Girl said...

"a cord of three strands is not easily broken"..those three strands are 1. the The Holy Spirit,2. you and 3. the person you trust. If you step out in faith, God will provide that third strand. That third strand will hold you up in prayer, laugh and take joy in your joys and cry in your sorrows. I think you have a lot of "third strands" just waiting out there. Most all of us would be so honored to be your third strand in that cord that is not easily broken.

dawnaj1958 said...

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It's only natural to take a step back when things cave in on you. God will be your strength. He will supply all you need to get through this. "when everything falls apart, praise His Name, when you have a broken heart just lift your hands and say 'Lord You're all I need, You mean everything to me.' Let Him take the pain away." You're going through a period of self reflection. Good. God can work with your honesty and introspection. He did with me. Today I am whole because I laid the broken pieces at His feet and said, "What now?" Hold on. Grab your frail faith and hold on. Let Him see your inner self, not because He can but because You want Him to take control. I am praying for you. You're not alone.

Deb said...

Trust is a difficult thing - especially if we've been wounded in the past.

I'm praying for you --that the Lord will place someone in your path and that you will KNOW that you can trust them! In the meantime --keep trusting in Jesus. He's got the best shoulders on which to cry.

Becky said...

Proverbs 13:17
Proverbs 28:25
Romans 15:13

i love you!

Sara said...

here's the deal sweetie; you just gotta let hurt go and move on. period. are people trustworthy? no, not one of us. maybe the point is; if God is watching us and listening to us to decide if we deserve trust; should we be trusted with his son's blood? i don't know about you. i don't deserve trust; that's why i live on grace. holding the hurt is a choice. i love you.

MSUgal86 said...

i understand this completely.