Monday, October 16, 2006
shhh... I gotta secret
I’m not really afraid of change. I’m afraid of failing.
I’m broken. Only to be healed by Christ. As I take the steps towards wholeness, someone kicks me down the stairs and reopens old healed wounds. And as gross as this sounds, I figuratively pick the scabs so they don’t heal. Christ is the permenant healing.
Issues from the past bleed out uncontrollably. In my heart, and even in my head, I don’t know why I fear failure. I know that each thing that I go through, is a lesson of learning and growing, but I am still afraid. I wonder, maybe I just don’t trust God like I think, otherwise, why would I be so afraid? That sounds awful, doesn’t it?
James 1:2-5 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
I always say that most issues come from someone needed to be loved and supported. And I know I am, both of those, but I am still afraid. Maybe it’s my own insecurities that hold me back.
I’ve been listening to “Imagine Me” by Kirk Franklin, over and over the last two days. It’s really hitting home…
loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cuz I
I imagine meIn a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cuzI imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
cuz they never did deserve me
can you imagine me
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord can you imagine me
over what ma mamma said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again
[Chorus:]Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine meI admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like mebut finally I can...
And not letting people break me down
you won't get that joy this time around can you imagine me
In a world where nobody has t o live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me
[Bridge:]Letting go of my past
And glad to have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again
[Vamp:]Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone