Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I wrote the post below before I went to bed. I woke up this morning and to be honest, I could have crawled back into bed and skipped church all together and to be really honest, I almost did that before I hit Fort Street (1 ½ blocks from my house). And for the record, I know that when I feel that way, that God has a great message waiting there for me, and He did.

From Sibley to the church (sorry Jeremy) I cried, not just little crying, mind you, the big kind, the kind that messes up your make up in an instant. The really ugly kind.

I’m not good enough. Over and over and over and over and over.

I could tell you a million reasons why Jesus should not have saved me. I look at things I do, and I have this great vision and it comes out ugly. I made this gift basket thing, and then in the end I thought ‘Sara could have bought one way better looking than this’ or I should have bought Phyllis a cake instead of making her one, it was ugly. Or… I could go on and on. I would love to take cake decorating classes but I don’t have the patience or the talent (or the money) to do something like that. I love to bake but I just don’t do it “pretty” or I love to scrapbook, but my pages will never end up in a magazine or look at Kelly’s on her blog, oh my, that was awesome.

I never struggle with how great God is, because holy moly, He is great, indeed. But me, I wonder why He wants me, I’m no good. And then I feel guilty because then I think, well, God made me, so I should be glorious… yikes, I can screw up anything… and it’s a vicious cycle. And I wonder, what the heck does anyone ever see in me.

Do you ever feel like you try so hard, and you just fall short, so many times?

That is exactly how I feel today. And I am ugly because I can't stop crying!!


Pat said...

I'm sitting here reading this and crying because you just described me. I love those same things you love to do, bake, scrapbook, I would and have made a gift basket instead of buying one...but nothing looks professional or pretty. That "ugly" birthday cake you made Phyllis...without seeing it, I can tell you it was awesome.
The beauty of what you do is the love you made it with.
Want to know what else is funny? Your teaching that very same lesson to me about myself.
Once again...isn't God amazing? He uses you ~ someone I've never met to bring me to tears. Your a blessing.

Sara said...

isn't that funny because i look at everything you do and think how beautiful things are when you put your hands to them. like holy hands because they are livted to God are made holy? your hands are holy.

Pat said...

Are you talking about my hands or Margies hands?

Kell said...

I feel ugly on a daily basis. There a million times a day that I don't think that I'm good enough. I almost didn't post that scrapbook page because I thought it wasn't that good.

I'm slowly learning though, that God made me to be exactly who I am and if He thinks that there needs to be someone like me on Earth then maybe I am okay and I am good enough. Apparently I was good enough for Him. Does that make any sense?

Mrs. Mac said...

I'm much rather have a homemade birthday cake than a fancy storebought cake ... and isn't it nice to not have "perfect" scrapbook pages like Martha Stewart has? Besides, she actually has someone do all the hard work to make her look good. You have what it takes from the heart and that is what really counts. Pull yourself up right now girl from the bootstraps before I hop on a plane and thump you with my Bible :)

MSUgal86 said...

it's difficult to carry the load, but really doesn't God know that we can handle it? Don't sweat the small stuff friend, we have two beautiful daughters--as long as we provide good homes for them who cares what the heck the cakes look like? you bake with love, i buy because i bake like an eight year old. still we get up every day, go to work, make a home and do the right thing. sometimes crying helps! i find too that laughing hysterically can have the same effect. i stopped comparing myself to others long ago--they're not perfect either. the only perfect one is the source of my strength.

Heather Smith said...

Oh yes, I definitely feel like this at times.
In some ways it is good because if we thought we were good enough to save ourselves, we would never come to Christ in the first place.
But we have to come to the second point, the point where God has taken us from being a good-for-nothing sinner (because let's face it, that's what we all were) to being an adopted child of the King of Kings.
Huge difference there. We just have to claim the difference He has made in our lives. And some days it will be easier to do than others!
I pray that God would grant you peace right now and show you just what a special daughter of the King you are!

KayMac said...

Psalm 56:8 You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

Nice to know where God keeps our tears, isn't? Praying for you friend.