I wrote the post below before I went to bed. I woke up this morning and to be honest, I could have crawled back into bed and skipped church all together and to be really honest, I almost did that before I hit Fort Street (1 ½ blocks from my house). And for the record, I know that when I feel that way, that God has a great message waiting there for me, and He did.
From Sibley to the church (sorry Jeremy) I cried, not just little crying, mind you, the big kind, the kind that messes up your make up in an instant. The really ugly kind.
I’m not good enough. Over and over and over and over and over.
I could tell you a million reasons why Jesus should not have saved me. I look at things I do, and I have this great vision and it comes out ugly. I made this gift basket thing, and then in the end I thought ‘Sara could have bought one way better looking than this’ or I should have bought Phyllis a cake instead of making her one, it was ugly. Or… I could go on and on. I would love to take cake decorating classes but I don’t have the patience or the talent (or the money) to do something like that. I love to bake but I just don’t do it “pretty” or I love to scrapbook, but my pages will never end up in a magazine or look at Kelly’s on her blog, oh my, that was awesome.
I never struggle with how great God is, because holy moly, He is great, indeed. But me, I wonder why He wants me, I’m no good. And then I feel guilty because then I think, well, God made me, so I should be glorious… yikes, I can screw up anything… and it’s a vicious cycle. And I wonder, what the heck does anyone ever see in me.
Do you ever feel like you try so hard, and you just fall short, so many times?
That is exactly how I feel today. And I am ugly because I can't stop crying!!