Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I have a stomach ache

I found myself yesterday in quiet. A place I don't visit very often. I don't like it there. I like to be by myself, but I don't like the quiet times when doubt and hurt can creep up on me in ways I just don't like.

I know that something is bugging me because I take my speed from my normal 100mph to 200mph. You think I'm kidding? I'm not.

I find that when I don't want to, or just don't know how to deal with something that's what I do. When I feel like things are the way I think they should be, vrooom... faster faster, keep on going. paint on a bigger smile, no one will know. And you know what? they don't.

I am at a time in my life when believe it or not, all I know is that I belong to God. That's all I got. Which is a lot. I've always been something. I've been Bob's daughter, Phyllis's mommy, an employee of XX Corporation, and the list could go on and on... Those are things I do, and part of who I am. But what I really am, is God's girl.

I have a hard time sleeping. Because right now, I'm wound pretty tight. I've resorted to vitamin supplements that help me to relax. not everyday but somedays.

I've actually had to stop and take time for myself, for my own well and good. And I feel like even though I'm doing a lot, I'm letting people down. In the silence, I hear "not good enough".

It's funny, you'd think that going to GCofH would be about them, about serving them. I've learned more in the last few weeks about myself and I've probably learned more about the bible because I've been more focused on reading it, than you would believe. It's become quite a blessing for me.

I am someone who has the ability to feel God in really big ways around me. I know a lot of people possess this trait. In my loneliest times, I can feel God's presence around me. When I feel like I suck, when I feel like I don't deserve anything, I can feel God's love for me. I can feel so much of God around me right now, I think I will just rest for a moment, in Him. And when He's ready, I'll be back up to my normal speed.

In Me - Casting Crowns

If You ask me to leap

Out of my boat on the crashing waves

If You ask me to go

Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

I'll go, but I cannot go alone

Cause I know I'm nothing on my own

But the power of Christ in me makes me strong

Makes me strong

Cause when I'm weak,

You make me strong

When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me

Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability

How refreshing to know You don't need me

How amazing to know that You want me

So I'll stand on Your truth,

and I'll fight with Your strength

Until You bring the victory,

by the power of Christ in me

If You ask me to run

And carry Your light into foreign land

If You ask me to fight

Deliver Your people from satan's hand

To reach out with Your hands

To learn through Your eyes

To love with the love of a savior

To feel with Your heart

And to think with Your mind

I'd give my last breath for Your glory


Jada's Gigi said...

Rest beloved, rest. Hide if you need Him.

Mrs. Mac said...

I've been in the quiet time right before a burn out ... so be careful you little do all in Christ girl ;) Don't over do it. The doubt comes from the enemy ... but the "wound up so tight" can be a physical reaction to having just too much going on ... even if it's all good stuff your doing. Take a moment to be quiet ... and listen for God's leading ... about what projects to take on ... A girl can handle only so much ... and you handle enough for ten of God's girls sister. Hugs and love ...

Sara said...

listen to mrs. mac.