Let me first start by saying that "yes, I know, it's not all about me".
My dad (and Cheryl) announced about 6 weeks ago that they had picked a date (December 1). 6 weeks. If I lost 2 pounds a week for 6 weeks I could possibly be down 12 pounds by the date. That is if I had stuck with it. So needless to say, probably not down anything.
But I started to freak out, I am going to run their pictures. I'm fat, and not only fat, but I'm ugly. Somehow I managed to subside all these feelings until last Friday. And now I keep having these mini-episodes about how I am such a disappointment, how my dad is surely disappointed in me, how I am not only fat but I'm ugly. And then compound that my soon-to-be step sil's are beautiful even with no makeup on. I'm freaking out, at any given moment, you may find me crying. Do I know that the outside doesn't matter, yes, but does it still bother me? yes.
I didn't have a computer yesterday and so I wrote out what I was going to type as my blog today.
I never remember as a kid feeling worth anything. I was always different than everyone else. I never felt cute or pretty as a kid. I had that stupid buster brown haircut, I could show you pictures of me from elementry school, jr high, and most of high school, one word. UGLY.
And to this day, I feel like that 8th grade chubby ugly kid. I don't feel like there is anything that could be said or done to change the way I feel about all this, except maybe lose 50 pounds. I'm just not one of those beautiful people. Let's face it, not everyone can be. Thankfully, I am somewhat nice so my insides balance out the outside. Now you'd think that someone bothered so much by her looks would do something about it, and something is holding me back.
My dad is getting married on Saturday and his soon to be new wife has a beautiful family, and ugh, there's me. I feel like this fat ugly duckling and I am not really sure what the answer is but I am hoping to find it soon.
That was what I wrote. I walked around saying in my head, and I think I even said it outloud a couple times "Speak oh God, for Your child is listening", I always say that when I am confused or a little distracted, somehow those words (thanks to Jeremy) bring me back to center. I went to Family Christian Store hoping to find a CD for Phyllis but they didn't have it. And I picked up this book called "Captivating" it's been out for quite a long time, I've actually almost picked it up numerous in the past year or so but never actually purchased it. And last night, it was one of those "pick it up and read the back cover" I read it, "hmmm, sounds like what I need, to get my heart right". And as I was walking out of the store, I said to God "Help me to see me the way You see me". Funny because I pray that prayer for a lot of women and young girls only it's usually "help THEM see them they way You see them".
This isn't really about the way I look, ok, maybe it's a little about the way I look, but really it's about never really feeling 'right'. I've always been different, and in some ways that's good. But as I am reading this book, the scales are being lifted. And though it's a tiny step in a long journey, it's a step in the right direction.
Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.