Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Monday, January 28, 2008


Ecc8:5-8 5Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm,
and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure.
6 For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter,
though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him.
7 Since no man knows the future,
who can tell him what is to come?
8 No man has power over the wind to contain it ;
so no one has power over the day of his death.
As no one is discharged in time of war,
so wickedness will not release those who practice it.

I don't know what it's been in the last few days but I have felt nothing but hopeless. I sometimes wish that this wasn't my journal, I would lock these feelings all away, but then I wouldn't be honest.

I feel like someone is standing on my chest. It's even hard to muster a smile. Someone asked me yesterday how I was, the answer "ok". I think I said "I'll be all right". I will. Whenever I say that, I think of the song "I know my God saves the day, and I know His loves never fades, and I know my God made away for me, it's going to be alright".

And I believe that. I know that it will be ok, I know that "this too shall pass". I know that I will be better than ok.

Normally, I am pretty good about being a single mom, most days I enjoy the life I live, I don't typically live a life of "I wish". Sure, I always want more money so I can breath a little easier, give a little more, but I have learned to better manage what I have been blessed with instead of asking for more. But lately, I don't know what the deal is but I have really been praying extra hard for the husband that God has waiting for me. I always wanted 6 kids, 5 more blessings in addition to the 1 I have. Now if you've heard me talk sometimes I say "no way, I like my life the way it is, no more children, I am TOO OLD" and I don't necessarily have to have all the 5 children, I would love to adopt a child who needs a home, to rescue a child from abortion. I don't believe that a mother's love only extends to those she gives birth to. I wonder will I ever find the love my heart desires now that I have found this awesome love with God. I think that now I am a woman of God, I think I will be such a better wife than I would have ever been before. I even pray for my husband now, and I don't even have one yet. That seems kind of funny to me, but I know it's a necessity. Maybe I should have prayed for him decades ago.

Now let me tell you in all this, I know God's plan is way better than mine, the desires of His heart are far greater and truer than the desires of mine. I know that He's raising up a man and raising me up too, to be the husband and wife and maybe we're being raised up to be parents too, I don't know. I was worshipping to a song yesterday, 'My future decided' and it took everything I had to hold back a ton of tears.

My Future Decided
You hold the future in Your hands
You know my dreams and You have a plan
And as You light my way, I'll follow You

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all You've done
My minds made up
And You are the only one for me

Jesus, Savior, in my life You are everything
My future decided, I will praise Your name
And I know that I am, I am Yours
Yeah, I know that that I am, I am Yours

You hold the earth in Your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow You

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are Your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

This song... yikes. I know who I am, I know that I am His, I know that, like I said, His plan is far greater than mine. Until I'm ready, I will be sitting here, kneeling here, on my knees bowing down and looking up. My God saves the day.

Romans 5:1-5 1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

1 comment:

Sara said...

hopeless? no. just momentarily quieted. i'm praying for you and your husband. and i love you. xos