Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Monday, February 04, 2008

I'm at a loss - Because I don't know what you want

Phil 3:12-14 12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I have to tell you that I have been struggling. I have been afraid that at any given moment I would start to cry and not stop, and one comment yesterday, and it was over. I still look like crap from crying and that was over 12 hours ago. I feel like I am getting it at every angle, its around every corner.

I can't seem to win for losing. I don't feel like at any given moment I am making anyone happy, that I am letting tons of people down, and the most unhappy person of all? me.

You know what? Stop telling me I volunteer too much, stop scheduling things on Sundays if you want me to be there. And don't be mad if I am not. I will not apologize for being fully devoted to Christ. I won't. If you want to spend time with me, why don't you come and volunteer with me, I will even drive. Or come and hang out with a bunch of great leaders and amazing teenagers.

I just have to tell all of you who disapprove of this love of my life that I have. Bite me. Maybe you just don't get it. maybe you don't get that a little sin is a sin, and without the cross and that amazing "Man" who got up on it, you're bound for hell. There is no reason why God would have saved me except that He loved me. And I get it, maybe you don't, but I do.

If I am not living my life for His glory, I don't really see the point.

And yes, sometimes my "wanter" goes into overdrive, and I would love love love to go to the Museum, to the DIA, to the zoo (if I had time, I would go every month, at least once) but with everything else going on, I just don't always get the chance. God made me with desires, and I believe in time, He will fulfill them all.

For the record, most of the time, I don't mind getting up at 4Am to drive to make breakfast, sure it's early, but if you could only open your eyes and see the way God moves, its in every word, in every breath, and it never stops.

I am only one person. I will love Jesus, I will live for Him, and I hope by my actions, you see Him move too. And when I am tired, I will rest. In Him.

James 1:24-25 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.


Jada's Gigi said...

Oh Margie! I'm so sorry you feel torn and then bad when you choose...but truly...Jesus wont' mind if you occasionally choose them...He knows your heart

God's daughter said...

If Satan can get you to focus on the people you are frustrated with, you won't be focusing on God. If you choose "not to serve" and spend time with others but your focus is on God, you are still serving! If you choose "to serve" but your heart is dealing with what Satan would have you focus on, then maybe you're NOT serving God! So as Jada's gigi said "He knows your heart". You are a servant through and through, it doesn't necessarily matter HOW you're serving at the given moment, but on WHERE your focus's a heart thing! Love ya, Margie! You're a blessing to The Kingdom!