Friday, February 08, 2008
"Unsettled" I will no longer be.
You've may or may not noticed that I didn't write for the last couple of days. For once in my life, I didn't have much to say. I could have said though "hey knuckleheads, going 70 mph on ice even with 4 wheel drive will cause you to do donuts on 75 thus endangering yourself, and all those on the freeway" but I didn't, but I could have. OK, I digressed.
I finished Captivating. Yes, it took me a long time to read a book that only had 228 pages. But this book wasn't about reading it quickly, it was about reading a part, and letting God melt a lot of ice that had formed around my heart. Things that I thought were not normal, God has revealed to me, are completely normal, it's the hurt and disappointment that comes with living a life not in Him, that is completely un-normal.
Do I believe that I am totally beautiful? not really. Do I believe that when I remember who I am in Christ, I have a beautiful spirit? Yes. I think that's most important.
The last chapter had 3 questions.
What is it that you yearn for -- how do you long for the world to be a better place? What makes you so angry that you nearly see red? What brings you to tears?
That last question made me laugh because a lot of things bring me to tears. I am a crier. But a lot of times, I hold it in.
But that first question, what do you yearn for, how do you long for the world to be a better place? Love. Seems kind of simple and complicated at the same time. There is a card that I have (and I don't know who said it) "to love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides". How true is that. I've felt kind of unsettled (I REFUSE to use the D word), not myself, getting by, holding it all together (barely). I have wondered if all hope is lost in finding a husband and maybe expanding my current family. I've decided, I am not claiming any of that crap. For God has put these desires on my heart, and whether I like it or not, He will fulfill them. He has wired me to want to have and love a family, to care for them. To make cookies, and meals, and that I don't mind doing laundry, that I love the kind of activities you do with families, zoo, museums, beaches, boating, and I have a family I can do that with, I'm greatful for her (them). And so I will. And HE WILL fulfill the desires of my heart, if maybe I stop doing and start loving a little most. "Unsettled" I will no longer be.
What makes you so angry that you nearly see red? Not living up to one's potential. Not changing the world, when you really do have the power. And we all have the power (so stop thinking it's someone else's job). Though God created the sun, we all have power to spread sunshine. Imagine the wattage we could spread if we all just loved a little more, and thought about ourselves a little less. God has made me (and you), He has wired me (and you) with great gifts, and I don't think He gave them to us to waste. So... with a greatful heart, I am going to go use them. "Unsettled" I will no longer be.
What brings me to tears? Again, love. Either a whole lot of it, or lack of it. Either way, tears. And when it's time to cry, I am going to work on not holding it in (unless of course I am at work) I am going to let it out, no matter how awful I look. "Unsettled" I will no longer be.
I can't even tell you how getting a little nudge to "pick up" that book has changed my view. Love. God loves me that much. Makes me misty.
Ezk 16:8 " 'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.