Let me first tell you that it has been a tough week. Emotionally.
I got an award on Tuesday, truth be told, I hate awards, I really hated that one. It was a sharp knife that cut very deep, and all week I felt like the wound kept re-opening and I was "bleeding out".
I kept trying to work it out with God,but I just wasn't getting anywhere.
I felt like all week, I couldn't figure out if 'this' is where I supposed to be. I believe with my whole heart that God has me where I am supposed to be, but why am I doubting. Ugh.
Friday, I went to life group, and it was full of life, just what I needed.
Yesterday, even though I hate malls, I love Junior Highers and found myself at Great Lakes Crossing. It was fun.
I was going to skip church today. We were talking about doubt. Let me tell you, I never doubt God. I never doubt His greatness, His healing, His power, I never doubt that He rose from the dead. I never doubt God. So honestly, even though this week, I could have turned and walked away from Him, it wasn't about Him, it was about me. It was about the dumb things I do, and how I hurt... i...i...i...
What do I doubt? I doubt why He would love me, I doubt that in all my mess ups, my saying things when I should, and not confronting people when they hurt me, in all my failures, I doubt why He would want me, and am I doing what I am supposed to do. I doubt that I am too selfish, and am not committed enough to Him and to doing what He wants me to be in Him.
I walked into church today, everyone was serving, I actually got to attend a full service at Metro (in 6 months, I have not done that once). I went back to an old habit. I said with my heart open wide "speak Oh God, this child is listening. Fill me up with You Lord".
The music, was resonating in my soul, the words I needed to say to God, lead by the Metro band, the sermon, engaging, enlightening, and at some points I thought that there was no one else in the room but me and Jeremy, and God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus were speaking directly to me. "dont' give up, My child, I know it's tough, and you could have walked away, but I never left you. I never left you. I will never leave you. Forgive, my child."
And so I sit here typing away, I could have walked away, and while that may not be the "Christian" thing to say, it's how I really felt. I know with all my heart that there were 'gap standers" those who prayed, to keep me from turning away. And through it all, never once, did I think God left me, He was always there, loving me, and at points holding the back of my shirt collar, never letting go.
Jude 1:20-23 20But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. 21Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.
22Be merciful to those who doubt; 23snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.