“you’re so strong… I can’t even compare myself to you”
Seriously, are you kidding me? Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is Phyllis. The past few days (I hate to sound like a drama queen) I could seriously see why people are so overwhelmed they kill themselves. It’s not about big things, I can get through big things, I can put on my waders and tredge right through the mud like it’s a day at the beach. I’m usually crying the whole time, but I get through. It’s little things. It’s like when you’re outside in the summer, and mosquitos are EVERYWHERE. And you can’t stop being bit, you can’t seem to swat them all, and you’re frustrated and overwhelmed because you know there is going to be pain (itchiness) when the night is over. But it’s time to put on the bug spray…
It’s about feeling rejected
It’s about wondering what is so wrong with me that I am still single!
It’s about thinking, if I only would have made the right choices
It’s about having to give my dog away (that’s today)
It’s about not being able to do all the things I’d like
It’s about a new position that I’m taking on (at church)
It’s about already worrying that I am inadequate and I’m going to screw it up
It’s about finding out that someone I dated and loved, dated someone else (and I didn’t know) the whole time and LIED.
It’s about wanting to go back to school and get my Master’s in Theology but knowing there is no time (or money)
It’s about someone deciding that something didn’t look right in my life (and there wasn’t anything going on!), started a whole bunch of drama and can’t even find the time to discuss it with me
It’s about not ever being a priority
It’s about somehow wanting to save every child in the downriver from ever feeling unloved and not knowing how to do that or even what it looks like
It’s about wishing I could be more fake and just put on a smile
It’s about feeling like I am in constant prayer and nothing seems to be resolved
It’s about watching a beautiful girl leaving for Africa and wishing there was something more to do then throw a party for her
It’s about feeling like the worst mom on earth (even though I know that’s not true)
It’s about wishing that I could tame my big mouth
It’s about my friends saying “you never have time for me”
It’s about not standing up for myself and doing things I don’t enjoy
Its about not going to work out because I am so fat!
It’s about not having the money to go to Chicago and seeing Hillsong United when I really want to, and I’m 35 and WHERE DOES MY MONEY GO? I’m not irresponsible!
And my list could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I have faith, I know I am here for a reason and I can probably combat every one of those things, but sometimes I am just too tired.
I’m not so strong. Not by myself anyway. I am strong in Christ. He’s got my back. He holds me up, He is my protector, my Savior, my Strength, my Healer, my Father, my Friend, my Beloved, my Redeemer, my Truth, my Source of Life.
He is faithful! He is a Mighty God. And He can take care of it all.
2 Sam 22:33 It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.