Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

what's wrong...

most people haven't said anything (even people who claimed to be my friends) but really, my brain is on overload and my heart is broken. For me. I know it sounds selfish, but my heart is broken and I haven't figured out how to fix it. You see I used to be thin, a perfect 8, and depending on the pants, I could get in a 6 pants. And i thought I still had 25 pounds to lose, but I knew (I KNEW!) I looked good. The cost of that? 4 hours minimum every week at the gym. I worked out 5 days a week and 3 of those days I did two-a-days. Yes, I even looked good in sweatpants. I looked and felt great as far as my health was.

I highlighted my hair every 4 weeks, 5 weeks at the most, nails always done. I never went out of the house without makeup unless it was to the gym or the tanning booth. Perfect everything.

I say this because someone sent me a text that said "you are crazy beautiful" and I thought to myself, yeah right, you're nuts! And it's haunted me since. I don't care how beautiful you think I am on the inside, I hate who I am on the outside. Ok, there I said it. I hate who I am and somehow I can't find a way to change it. I want to scream when someone says I am beautiful because I don't see it at all. Sure I have great things about me, but I am huge! And today I tried on my jeans that I haven't had on in awhile, and they didn't fit. I know what to do, I just don't know if I can with this crazy schedule I have and all the stress. If I get back there, will I stay there?

So I went for a walk today while the casserole for Alive dinner was cooking. It was just a half hour but it was a start. I know that I can't stay this way because I can't continue to hate myself, it's not good for me.

I've been holding on to this for months.

Psalm 61:1-2 1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.


Sara said...

i am so there with you. and wondering why this is so hard when it's so easy (to know what to do anyway!) it's a day, a moment at a time. and it's at least admitting it's not ok.

Becky said...

i will pray for you!

Stacy said...

I knew something was wrong today. I could see it in your eyes.
I will pray for YOUR needs, whatever they are, because I don't know what deep down inside you is saying....