most people haven't said anything (even people who claimed to be my friends) but really, my brain is on overload and my heart is broken. For me. I know it sounds selfish, but my heart is broken and I haven't figured out how to fix it. You see I used to be thin, a perfect 8, and depending on the pants, I could get in a 6 pants. And i thought I still had 25 pounds to lose, but I knew (I KNEW!) I looked good. The cost of that? 4 hours minimum every week at the gym. I worked out 5 days a week and 3 of those days I did two-a-days. Yes, I even looked good in sweatpants. I looked and felt great as far as my health was.
I highlighted my hair every 4 weeks, 5 weeks at the most, nails always done. I never went out of the house without makeup unless it was to the gym or the tanning booth. Perfect everything.
I say this because someone sent me a text that said "you are crazy beautiful" and I thought to myself, yeah right, you're nuts! And it's haunted me since. I don't care how beautiful you think I am on the inside, I hate who I am on the outside. Ok, there I said it. I hate who I am and somehow I can't find a way to change it. I want to scream when someone says I am beautiful because I don't see it at all. Sure I have great things about me, but I am huge! And today I tried on my jeans that I haven't had on in awhile, and they didn't fit. I know what to do, I just don't know if I can with this crazy schedule I have and all the stress. If I get back there, will I stay there?
So I went for a walk today while the casserole for Alive dinner was cooking. It was just a half hour but it was a start. I know that I can't stay this way because I can't continue to hate myself, it's not good for me.
I've been holding on to this for months.
Psalm 61:1-2 1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.