Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Dancing with and without music

A good part of my life I’ve been a pretty good dancer. I mean, you wouldn’t really see me out on a dance floor doing the Macarena or the Hustle, by dancing I mean doing the moves in life to put on a good show.

I’ve said before the times in my life when people thought I had it most together, house, great job, working really hard, hot boyfriend, working out, thin, always looking great, daughter was in private school, battling a chronic illness, I could really dance. I mean, I had the moves… I could have been on soul train. But I was living a life that behind closed doors you would have gasped. Sin everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I had to sometimes lock the closets and barcade them because skeltons were falling out.

But here’s the thing, I wasn’t really that happy. You know why? Because I didn’t hear any music. I could bluff my way through, maybe hearing a beat or two but really, no song in my heart. It was a pretty lonely life if you want to know the truth.

I remember the day I heard the first note. I can tell you the first song I heard. It was March 14, 2004. The song, Draw Me Close to You. I cried through the whole thing. I knew I needed God, I even knew where to find Him. I knew the rules, but I needed the relationship. I needed the song.
I know the song now. I know what it feels like to have a hug from God. I know what it means to rejoice in Him, I know what it feels like be on my knees before Him. But I still struggle. I still have a few of the things that I mentioned before, I have a good job, the house, the daughter is now cured from the illness. I still have some of the same moves, I would say I am at the box step level. You know, 1-2-3-4 all in a box. It’s a pretty sweet step, but the best part is now I hear the music. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the steps, a little worried that if I started dancing again, I mean really dancing, that I’d forget to listen to the music. And sometimes I start box-stepping so fast, I forget why I’m dancing.

I don’t know why, but I’ve never really had a music teacher. A lot of people have mentors, someone that meets with them once a week or even just once a month to help them through things, to cry with, guide, laugh with, whatever it is. Even people who are older than me have that in girlfriends or some spiritual leader or an accountability partner of some sort in their lives. At least it sure seems like it to me. I’ve never really had that, I’ve kind of gotten a few lessons hear and there but mostly, I’ve just done it on my own with prayer. I’ve been thinking a lot lately that it would be great to have someone who is that in my life for more than just a phone call.

I guess now that I hear the music, I want to graduate to the Rumba.

Luke 7:32 They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling out to each other: " 'We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not cry.'
Oh… and I got this analogy from speaking with a Darin from Grace Centers of Hope, it’s just been on my mind since we spoke…


Sara said...

i'll dance with you!

Trish said...

I'll dance too!