Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I can understand...

...why people want to kill themselves. I mean, I've had this discussion before. But I am going to put it out there.

... in the midst of being surrounded by people you can feel completely alone.

...that when we can get caught up in taking care of everyone else, no one takes care of us, and we just don't understand why. And it's not that we don't like taking care of everyone else, but it can be a lonely job.

...that you just don't really feel like you matter, even though you know you do.

...that feeling of looking down on an expressway from the service drive and just wanting to drive off of it. Or seeing that abdandoned building and wanting to crash into it.

I typed that all yesterday. I will tell you, that at any given moment I was fighting back tears. There wasn't really anything anyone can say to me, I just hit the book. You know The One.

And then I look at today's scripture:

Mark 9:35Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."

Here's the deal. Yesterday I was feeling like I was last, but I wanted to be first. I can't be first, because it's not about me. And I don't know what the deal was, I don't know if I was under attack or what but at 3:30AM this morning, I woke up sweating worrying about everything, my job, the stimulus packages, if China decided to cash in all the treasury bonds, and I was seriously freaking out. And then I realized... Hey Knucklehead, you have no control over ANY of that. Gave a big slap to satan, told him to leave me alone, and rolled over and slept soundly until the alarm went off.

I always have a lot going on...

Saturday is a big night. We have 1721 at the church, it's based on John 17:20-21 20"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. It's a HUGE worship night for the Youth of Downriver. I love it! I love that kids who go to different youth groups in different schools all come together to worship a God, not just any God, THE GOD, who loves us and is worthy.

I am nothing by myself, but in Him, I am everything. I should worship in everything I do.


Trish said...

Sometimes I think we have feelings just so that we can be sympathetic and know how to reach others.
Example...when going through Anxiety and suffering a horrific panic attack I thought "Lord what in the world is going on?"
I know now for last year while getting coffee in the sitting area of the Adult SS classes, there sat a woman. All alone on the couch bent over slowly rocking...I approached and quietly asked if she was OK? And she just started pouring her heart out...she had gotten out of the hospital the night before and was suffering Severe Anxiety and Panic Attacks!!!
I kmew exactly what to say...then I lay hands on her and prayed right there.
Afterwards my SS teaacher told me that the Holy Spirit had used me and how the poor girl was struggling. (I didn't even realize anyone else was in the room.) My point is that the burdens we carry are for a reason...God uses our every experience. How else can we teach others.
I love you, Miss Margie!

Constance said...

I remember being in that dark place where I wanted to die. It was when my second husband walked out on me, leaving me for someone else. It was as if the 2 girls and I were disposable. I was 23 years old and had just had a miscarriage when I found out he was having an affair. I was a baby Christian and hurt so bad I just couldn't stand it. Rejection is one of the most horrible feelings.

Seriously, the only thing that stopped me was the thought of how I couldn't do that to Jennifer and Jessica. They had already had their world turned upside down and they needed me. That's how God got through to me.

Now I look back at that time in my life and can give thanks for the way God carried me and made me a better person. At the time though, I just wanted to die!

Dawna said...

Margie, you've opened a can of worms here. God uses our lows. I have been in the midst of the valley of shadows for so long now that I can't find the way home somedays. But God gives me friends and sunny moments and mostly an assurance that this is but ONE season of my life. And of yours. When this season passes, then He will use us for His glory, to help His people.

To understand others, sometimes head knowledge isn't enough. Sometimes it takes a broken heart. My latest prayer is thanks that He loves me enough to carry me across this desert, knowing I need to continually seek His face. I never before understood depression. Now I am getting it, really getting it...comprehending in a way never before possible. So, the six million dollar question is, What does He require of me now? It's going to be good cause that's the way He is. We aren't alone. What a wonderful truth...