I feel like a human checking account that is overdrawn. And honestly I think that’s the only way I can explain it.
You know in order for your “finances” to be healthy you need to have a positive balance. Lately I feel like I am allowing checks to be written for balances that just aren’t available.
Sometimes I feel like I make plenty of deposits. Reading my bible (deposit), loving teenagers (deposit), serving (deposit). (2 Cor 5:5 Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come)
And then sometimes I feel like I allow people to withdraw funds that just aren’t available. And I mean I ALLOW them. A lot of times I believe that people can only hurt us if we allow them to do so. You can’t help what people do, but you can help how they make you feel. Maybe that only makes sense to me!
I allow people to talk to me how they want, which is not always positive (withdrawal). I allow the things they do to affect the way I feel about me (withdrawal). And sometimes I churn up stuff from the past that has hurt me (withdrawal). Not getting enough sleep (withdrawal), not eating well (withdrawal). Being stretched too thin (withdrawal).
The biggest problem in my life with the withdrawals is that there is usually a NSF fee that sends me into a worse negative than was really necessary. And again, I allow this to happen.
I allow myself to think negatively about ME! I chose to use the world’s value and those in it to determine my worth. And I think that may be just simply a lack of faith. I say this because in Hebrews 11:1 it says 1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And sometimes its “easier” to believe things we can see or we can feel. Like someone not treating us well, and sometimes the world is a lot louder to distract us from the quiet voice of God. And so we focus on what we can see instead of what we cannot see.
In Song in Solomon 4:7 it says All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. So why don’t I see that. Why do I see that people don’t believe I’m good enough? Why don’t I see what God has done in my life and focus on that?
Maybe it’s because I know what I’ve done. Maybe I’ve had too many people walk away from me. And I know, yes, I know that God has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself for the things I’ve done, I just have a hard time forgetting. And I realize that I can’t help that people have walked away and sometimes they are only in our lives for a season (Ecc 3:1). Maybe the people who can’t see my gifts just aren’t meant to, maybe it’s them who need to see the God in me, because I know that He’s in me, I know that He’s given me great talents and gifts.
And so I will keep making deposits… taking care of myself, reading His Word, serving, and I will not allow people to take from me that is not theirs to take.