Yesterday was one of those days... YOu know the kind I'm talking about.
It's kind of amazing to me that I know my worth and where it comes from and I still fall into the trappings of feeling worthless and stupid because of something someone says or does. Makes me angry with myself.
I am sure that this is not what was meant in Mark 9:23-24 when it says
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
But sometimes that's what I need God to help me overcome, that feeling of being stupid because no one believed in me as a child, as if to say "you've had too many crappy things happen to you, you'll never make it" or "you made too many wrong choices, you'll be a loser... always". In the last two days I even said "I guess I am the loser everyone thinks I am". And then last night, I thought "why do you speak such things about yourself? You would tell a student that their worth is not of this world but in God, and He makes no mistakes".
Everyone has something that DAILY, sometimes HOURLY and maybe even minute by minute that they need to put at the foot at the cross, and not pick back up. Sometimes I let satan pick it up and then with open hands I accept it back. UGH! So stupid.
I feel like sometimes I just can't stop struggling with this. I am in a video for the Detroit Mission Trip and I thought as soon as I saw myself "you ruined the whole video you big fat ugly pig". Now what drives me crazy about myself... I love the Detroit Mission Trip, I see what's around me and I want to do something because it's what God called me to do. To be His hands and feet. To love those who people think are unloveable. And in Him, I have such great gifts! Learning what my spiritual gifts didn't take long to learn, but accepting them seemed to take me a little longer to grasp, and I even had to see them in others to accept how great they are. And sometimes I even doubt that they are worth anything.
I wonder to myself, why do you keep getting in your own way? Why don't you just step aside and let God be who He is in you?
Maybe it's because I know what I've done, and even though I know my sins are forgiven, they still have real consequences.
Dear God, today, I'm begging you to help me in my unbelief God, just as I ask You to reveal Yourself to the students and those I love, God I am asking You to show me my worth, God, however it is that you know I need to hear it God, please show me your glory God. Let me see the beauty you've made in me so that I can take that beauty and bring you glory. Lord, I love you so much, God I want my life to be one that brings glory and honor to all that you are, and that others can see how Great, Mighty, and LOVING You are. Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for your son and all that He was, is and is to come. Let be a day lived for you Lord. God, you are amazing, move in my heart Lord, in those who need to hear your word today. I love you, and I praise Your Son's Holy name! It's in Jesus' loving name, I pray. AMEN!