Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Monday, October 19, 2009


I love to serve people. I do, but I don't like to people to make it a big deal.

I also HATE it when you do something and people say "you're awesome" for what you do, not who you are. It's SO annoying to me, really, you have no idea how mad it makes me.

Awhile ago, Adam said that as youth staff, we should serve the students, serve the church, and serve each other. And in that, I thought 'how could I do that?" So each week I make dinner. and I format these papers, and each week the dinner part goes well, and the leaders lose the papers... and I get SO annoyed, why because you wasted my time (and you're irresponsible)! Something that is such a premium for me, to me it's like if I made you food and I didn't really have any and you threw it away for no reason.

And then i was mad at myself for being annoyed, really for being angry. There is so much in my head and I'm overwhelmed with it all, and really yesterday I lost it. And I certainly didn't want to talk about it. And we're singing a song at Alive, Come Home. And it's about how God calls us home. Yesterday as I was singing the words (don't steal the words, they belong to the Alive Band)

I feel You calling
Your grace surrounds me
It's beckoning me
back to You
I hear You say...

Come home, I love you
Come home, I forgive you,
Don't give up, my love for you is eternal,
My love, come back home

It was like God was saying come back to Me, that heart of yours, don't let it become overwhelmed with anything, especially not anger. I forgive you, but seriously, remember why you're doing it, not for them, but for me. And slowly I could feel myself becoming more at ease.

I'm still overwhelmed, but it's my own fault, I need to let go and come home...

Exodus 33:14 The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."


Constance said...

Thinking of you this morning. I am being convicted about certain inescapable people in my life and how Jesus calls me to love them, regardless. UGH! Why is this so hard for me?

Matthew said...

I find that for me, I don't like to be out of control. I don't want to say that I'm a control freak because that would be too ... accurate. Anyway, I can relate a lot here; for me, it's my control issues. I want to have a heart of servitude, and just like you said, it's not for them, it's for Him.