Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
I’ll tell you the truth, which shouldn’t be too hard to figure out from my posts, my heart is breaking.
A friend of mine told me that he went through a depression when he lost his job, I don’t know this for a fact, but a lot of people define who they are by what they do, typically revolving around their jobs/careers. But what happens when you lose your job and you can’t find another one? What happens to your definition? Does that mean you’re a pathetic, unemployed loser who has no use? No.
You can read my post from earlier yesterday morning, that I wrote at like 3 in the morning or something obnoxious, because I couldn’t sleep. I HATE when people call me awesome (its not that I’m humble or that I hate it out of humility, its because I don’t think people should be judged by what they do)! It makes me crazy, because more times than not, it seems like people say it because I just did something for them, I fed them, printed off something, did some little (or big) thing… and then you know what? It doesn’t seem to me like I was serving, I feel more like I am being taken advantage of because they just know “you can call Margie, she’s awesome”. Or you know what really drives me nuts is when people need me (or feel like they need me) and call me all the time, but when someone better comes along and there is no use for me, my phone doesn’t ring. My translation: “you’re such a good friend to me or I love you so much” but I don’t need you anymore, you’ve outgrown your place in my life so hit the road jack. I’ve had this happen to me with about 4 people in the last 3 months. I have an issue that I’ve been trying to deal with for so long, that I feel like my life is defined by this one struggle, never being good enough. It’s hurtful and hard to deal with.
A lot of people have been telling me that I’m under attack. To be honest, I don’t know. I simply think that our lives are often like an artichoke, the outer layers are peeled back and new flesh exposed. The hardest part of an artichoke is the outside, and the outside is probably the easiest to peel, the inside, that’s the heart, that’s the best part. As God is working in me, I feel like He is trying to expose the best parts of me, getting rid of my rough exterior and exposing the heart of who I really am, love. So if I know that God is making me deal with some stuff, and though He doesn’t call us to be alone, I believe that He is telling me to deal with my stuff, Him and I.
I’ve been defined almost my whole life by who I belong to:
I’ve been defined by who I was and what I did in relationship to those people. The problem is that people grow, and now I’m standing here, still Bob’s daughter and Phyllis’s mom, but they don’t need me like they did before, and now I don’t know who I am.
I feel like in the last few years my life has been turned upside down and I can’t figure out where I belong, and I think that’s what happens when you identify with the wrong things. And let me preface all this by saying that none of this is WRONG it’s just my perception of events. Two years ago my dad married his best friend, she is an awesome stepmom, actually, I have said it before, if I couldn’t have picked someone better for all of us. That being said, their lives revolve around each other (a good thing, would I want it any other way? No). However, being that my dad has had such a strong presence in my life until then, it’s hard to be left behind. In his mind, he hasn’t. However, I can’t remember the last time we had a meal or a “field trip” just us. It’s been two years at least, yes, I have said something, but I think he just forgot. I understand completely, it just hurts, especially when I see him making field trip plans with the grandkids but never thinking about spending time with me. It’s hard not to feel unliked (I know my dad loves me, I just wonder if he likes me).
Also, my babygirl is growing up, she’s always been kind of independent, but now she has a job, some great friends that she hangs out with… and that means more alone time, which sometimes is good, but sometimes hard to deal with. All I can do is be here for her, and it’s my greatest reward to see her grow.
I keep myself busy, a lot of times, so I don’t have to deal with the lonliness. Thankful I don’t find company in a bottle, otherwise I’d be drunk all the time. In all that dealing with my food addictions which I think it’s going to get worse before it gets better. And it’s not the food I have to deal with but the why…
All this being said, I used this example... I’m hurt, and it’s kind of like when “my kids” have a belly ache, the first question I ask them is “have you pooped?” Hurt is my symptom of the issues that I have to deal with, like stomach ache is the symptom of needing to poop.
I don’t want to be indentified by the things I do or don’t do. I need to be indentified by who God says I am, by my heart (when it’s open to God).
Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.