Pursuing Love

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February 11, 2010

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The journey of Grief - 1

It's been a long 3 months. Honestly harder than i thought they'd be. As someone who feels but checks boxes (gets things done) to cope (protect myself) nothing prepared me for the loss of my dad even though i had a feeling it was coming soon - But why i realized just 5 minutes ago, I've held my dad dying as a fear as a child. So maybe all this grief has been bottled up for 51 years I started listening to a podcast by Anderson Cooper about grief and Ashley Judd talked about when her mother died she also grieved death from a childhood loss and that hit me. Top all that grief off like a cherry on top of a Sundae, i have a particularly stressful job. It was a recipe for a depressive incident. I knew i wasn't doing well - I stopped wanting to eat. Went through the motions of what I'm called to do (i was really resenting making lunches for the homeless but God didn't say i could stop so i didn't), i didn't particularly like doing Margie Mail. But i tho

Moments

I feel like everyone wants something different for their lives... Married wish they were single Single wish they were married. As a people i think we are never satisfied which can be great or bad depending on how you look at it. Sometimes there are moments in my life that no matter how much good I've done, i will never ever deserve. Tonight we did a trunk or treat. The theme of my trunk was Encanto. My car was kind of "bad news bears-ish" because I'm not great at those things but i made it work and kids loved it so.... I was "Luisa" and nieces were all the other characters. In my normal fashion i had so much candy! Which, after all, is why we were there! I had started the Soundtrack over and the girls all started singing while i was restocking everyone's buckets! The girls all started singing and my heart was overwhelmed. In that very moment my heart was full and i thought "there's no way i deserve this beautiful moment" The

The Journey of Grief - beliefs and feelings

It's certainly been interesting the last few days... I can't stop crying. I think I'm so overwhelmed by so much that it's just leaking out my eyes! This evening I went for a walk (Now I am used to walking twice a day and just because Ralphie isn't here, doesn't mean I can't walk) and just was thinking about all the things rolling around in my heart. Grief is insane I tell ya! Today I was thinking about how I never really believed that my dad was proud of me. He said he was, and people told me that he was, but honestly, I never felt like it or believed it. I knew he was proud of Phyllis and he'd say that I did a great job raising her (sometimes taking credit for it too - and he really deserved some of the credit LOL) but other than that I didn't feel like he was. I'd always say "I hope my momma is proud of me" and people would encourage me and say that she would be but I just never felt like I could live up to whatever my dad want

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