So it’s a crazy thing. I was totally in meltdown mode yesterday, I think the only thing holding me together was Arlene’s tacky glue, ok really it was Jesus.
Praying last night about prayer cards written on the hi-tech 3X5 cards last night, I was thinking about how good God is, about the pain that was written on some of those cards, and how God has the power to heal that. How nothing is too short for him.
When I feel like I was, I wonder why. I want to know what is so deep rooted in me that I am struggling. Whatever it is, I want to know, I want to address it, and I want to move on. For me, I will go ‘round the same mountain until I lick it, so I better lick it, because its tiring going round and round unless you’re on a beautiful carousel. And I’m not on a beautiful carousel.
It’s almost Mother’s Day. I love and hate Mother’s Day in the same breath. I love it because I have the bestest daughter in the whole world, and I have a bunch of children that God has put in my life. And I hate Mother’s Day because my mom died. I walked in the 3-day breast cancer walk to bring honor to her death, to bring honor to her. It was not just a walk for me, it was a journey, which is accompanied by a scrapbook for rememberence.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose Romans 8:28
Dear satan, you can’t beat me. You can’t make me feel so lonely that in this time that I will come back to your selfish ways, to the pain that I felt before, you can’t distract me from loving. You can make it difficult for me, but you can’t win, its not possible.
This last week or so, I’ve felt like even with people around me, I’m on an island, and I’ve been struggling. How easy I’ve thought it would be to go back for a moment to be surrounded by people who at least for a minute made me feel loved, though that love is fleeting.
Last week marks the 36th anniversary of my mom’s death. It doesn’t seem to get any easier. But her life meant something. Her life was lived, however short on this earth, as a life of love.
I was talking to one of the prettiest people I know (on the inside and outside) about being a mom. I don’t really have any preconceived notions of what a mom should be, sure, I have shining (and not so shining) examples of motherhood but day to day, I’m on my own to figure it out. And all I can say is ‘by the grace of God go I’. All I know that is that I need to love, everyday, I think the rest just kind of falls into place.
I always wanted a lot of children, well, a lot by today’s standards. 6. How do you balance all that? I can’t even imagine. I think you just love the best you can, and leave the rest to God. However, I have one, which really is perfect for me, but I have so many other students that I feel so deeply for, that I love so much, so BIG, that if they only knew how they bombard my heart, how I can take one look at them and know they need a hug or prayer or how I love to celebrate them and their achievements. How I worry about the resources for clothing, for Mission Trips, and Cedar Point, and all that. How I sometimes wear God out with my prayers (I know I can’t really do that).
I guess I say all this because I don’t need a nomination to ‘women who make magic’ because I’d rather be a ‘woman who weaves love’. How I want my life to be the needles that crochet love into hearts. How I want to show the love of Christ to plant seeds and water them. Maybe never seeing the fruits this side of heaven, though I’d be lying if I didn’t want to see it.
You see, in all that loneliness, I didn’t know what to do but cry and seek God. And I cried Jesus tears, those kind that when all the garbage of our lives is released, Jesus fills those spots.
Psalm 63:3-6a 3 But let the godly rejoice.
Let them be glad in God’s presence.
Let them be filled with joy.
4 Sing praises to God and to his name!
Sing loud praises to him who rides the clouds.
His name is the Lord—
rejoice in his presence!
5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.