Sometimes I have no clue who I am.
Sometimes I feel completely lost while holding a map, forgetting where I am going.
Sometimes I don't who I am, where I'm going, or how I got here.
Sometimes I wonder around aimlessly like the guys from "dude where's my car?"
Sometimes my head spins and word vomit like Poltergeist
Sometimes I am Mommy Dearest.
I've been struggling. I just kept on. And a few times I tried faking it til I make it, however, while I did that, I was seeking God like crazy, if I felt lost, I was going to get lost in Him.
There is a song by Brooke Fraser that I sing during times like that, CS Lewis Song.
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
I'm learning to deal with the fact that sometimes it seems weird to be grateful when people aren't. To be thankful for little & big things, to find the wonder of it all. To hold a high standard and be sorry when I don't achieve it.
Of course I feel out of place, I AM out of place. As much as its sometimes difficult to be different, I want to be thankful, and full of love.
A hopeless life doesn't seem like it was that long ago. But now there is hope. Great expectation of greater things that are yet to come. Not a low standard, but the highest notch on the pole vault, because after all, all things are possible for him who believes.
I was thinking of the video today. I could make a video of all the things I am.
I am a mom
I am a daughter
and lots more, but mostly,
I AM LOVED!!!
1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us