Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Saturday, October 09, 2010

I don't know

I wish I could tell you what I need.

I don’t know what I need.

A long time ago… it seems like ages ago my daughter was diagnosed with JRA, she’s been healed from it and in remission for quite some time, although the official letter came last year on the day she flew to Colombia.

The last couple days have been this crazy ‘I don’t know what to do’ kind of days. I know that God is in the middle of all this mess, and that victory is on its way. And I know I’m surrounded by people who love me and that somehow I am not alone in all this, but that is exactly how I feel. I feel like that mom on December 7th who waited for her drunk fiancé to show up at the hospital. Alone.

So many times in my life, I feel like its me and Phyllis against the world. We always have each other.

And people ask, ‘what can I do to help?”


I don’t know what you can do to help. Really, you can do nothing but pray and listen and sometimes just have everything be normal, whatever that is. This sucks, and I feel alone. I don’t know what to do how to feel, and to be perfectly honest, I’m so pissed! My baby is at the beginning of her life, and I want her life to be more than survival or dealing with whatever, I just want her to be healed. I want to see her life this fabulous life and if I could transplant her feet into my body and my feet into hers, I’d sign up right now. I don’t want to hear ‘we all have our crosses to bear in life’ screw that. Ok, screw that. When you say that to me, I want to punch you in the face and tell you to ‘f’ off. Don’t say that to me. She’s had enough.

I wanted to go to Cranbrook today and I might still make it, I don’t know.

All I know is that I feel like I need to go there, I feel like I need to hear the voice of God and to see the beauty that is there, and I wish someone was there to hold my hand.

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