I've got a lot of lessons in my head right now. I keep going back to one instance in my life that happened about 3 years ago, I actually am not even sure the year, but it was the year that Horton Hears a Who came out at the movies. Shortly after that movie, I got a letter saying that someone didn't like who I was. Now this wasn't just anyone, but it was someone who has meant a great deal to me over the years. It was actually heartbreaking to read that. And what was crazy is that I felt like I was finally starting to like who I was. I felt like my choices were a lot better, I was loving God, and living for Him. I was trying so hard to be kind. And then that.
I actually had thought that I threw the letter way, but I didn't, I found it last week when I was cleaning. I didn't even open it, I just threw it in the garbage, because just a few days before that I had yet another 'event' with this person.
Yesterday I was thinking about Noah as I was on the eliptical (really, I do a devotional while I am on the eliptical - I know - I'm ridiculous) and I was thinking about how he had 120 years to tell people about God, how they had 120 years to follow him onto this crazy ark, and man, Noah must have had some sunflower seed faith because I am sure people thought he was a whack job. But think about how Noah must have lived his life that no one believed that he had something better. No one believed that God was using him.
And then at service Pastor Chilly was talking about Joseph and the silver cup (and for the record, the reason I wasn't confused about the silver cup is because I didn't know what you were talking about) and how Joseph used the cup to prove if his brothers had changed. I was thinking about confrontation, I confront myself quite often about my motives, about my feelings (and truthfully a lot of times its after I've already jacked something up), but yesterday I wanted to just ask 'was it this way?' and to another person I wanted to ask 'do you REALLY believe it's fair to all?'. And God said "sshhhh... I don't think you really want to know the answers"
I think about a couple things... one is forgiveness and the other is God's timing.
God's timing is perfect, and like no other, God knows my heart, and I believe that there is a time for everything, and sometimes its a time to be quiet. and that time is now. Just love.
And what about forgiveness? Did I really forgive if I keep wondering why? If I keep thinking 'you really don't love me, and I'll keep taking the licks because that's what you do'. You see, I cannot control what others do, and I know that, but I can control my own actions. Faith is not about feeling, it is about knowing who God is. And He says 'forgive as you have been forgiven'. And that's what I want to do, I want to forgive, and that means letting go of hurt. I don't know why that is so hard, maybe its because it makes us vulnerable. And then there is the opportunity for someone to hurt us again, but what if we let it go, and it never returns? What if peace really is attainable?
I'm going to an inner healing thing, I have no idea what I am in for, but I know so much that I have been lead down this path, I have come to this time where I need to be healed, I need the internal bleeding to stop, and sometimes, you need God to send you someone to help you do that. So if you read this, please be in prayer.
I just want peace.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”- Colossians 3:15