For most of my life I lived in survival mode. It was all about getting by. Whether it was getting through medical issues or just paying the bills, many years it was about surviving the automotive industry, and somedays it still is.
I thought about all the things in my life that I wanted. Not really dreamed about, but wanted. I wanted to get married because another person to bounce things off of, pay bills, my life was about survival.
I said that I didn’t want to go on overseas mission trips because I was scared. Not about what would happen to me, but because I was scared I’d never be able to do it. When you live in survival mode, you think about money ALL the time. And you often think about not having it.
I didn’t really dream because I thought why bother, it’s never going to happen for me. It is true that I dreamed great things for my daughter. Everything I ever did was because of her. And I still dream big for her! She’s creative, funny, smart, talented, she is going to go far in life.
Life is different. Not much about my situation has changed, my daughter still has joint issues, I’m still surviving the automotive industry (thankfully), add college tuition.
What is really different is my heart. My heart has changed. There is more to life than survival.
I do want to be married but for different reasons. The biggest being to love. The next being to serve. And maybe those are the same thing.
I don’t worry about money, often you will hear me say “it’s just money, you can always make more”. That doesn’t mean that I waste it or I’m not a good steward, it means that I know if I am lead to do something, give, go, whatever, that God will provide. They say that money buys happiness, I’d disagree. Provision brings joy. Depending on God to provide changes your perspective.
This year I go on two mission trips. WWAAAYYY out of my comfort zone. The money came, as I knew, when called, it would. It came in crazy ways. Cupcakes, bonuses, donations, all Love.
I have a dream of owning a bakery. I can see it in my heart. I even have people who will give me the money to start. However, from God, the answer is not yet. Baking is my ministry. Whether it’s cupcakes for birthdays, showing love to others, or muffins at a coffee shop. The gift is to be used for Him. Right now. It doesn’t mean that I give up on that dream, it means my focus is different. Steps towards Him bring me closer to that dream. Doors that are opened (and closed) by Him bring me closer.
I didn’t dream before, now I dream SO big, things that may seem out of reach are within His reach, and He guides my footsteps. I’m thankful to those who are encouragers in my life, cheerleaders who say ‘you can do it’ when the voice of doubt creeps in.
I can’t explain how my heart is overwhelmed with Him. It is full of joy and love. Peace and dreams. He is the Creator of it all!