It’s my 2700th post. Who would have thought that I’d have enough to say enough to fill 2700 posts. That’s crazy to me. You know what else is crazy? People read this silly blog. It all started… long ago, in preparation for I don’t know what.
I don’t know why God continues to use me, but He does, and I am thankful.
You’d think I’d have something insightful to say after all this time, that today might be some sort of celebration. But to tell you the truth, it’s one of those “I’m fine” kind of days hoping that no one is going to ask me how I am. There has been a lot of growth in my heart in the last month and sometimes with growth comes pain.
I was just going to post some silly post about my dream wedding. Like 10 things I’d like, I was watching “say yes to the dress” and on Rizzoli and Isles they were talking about it, and since I posted about marriage yesterday… well, I thought it would be appropriate, but I decided that I’d be doing someone an injustice if I didn’t tell you what is really going on, because of all the things I try to be on here, it’s truthful. Without hurting someone.
Yesterday I started crying, and I couldn’t stop. There were lots of reasons, and if you want to know, you can ask, but not on here. It’s not the time to reveal all that, but in person, we could meet at Starbucks and talk.
I found myself thinking a lot about food today, not because I was hungry but because it’s where I turn when alone, and I’ve felt really alone today. Honestly, I actually pulled in (and out) of a fast food place. That certainly didn’t cause my heart ache, and it’s not going to fix it either.
I have found myself being mad about things I don’t have. A husband, a bed (permentantly) in Haiti, answers to questions I have. And it’s been annoying to me.
Ever heard the song “she’s got a way” by Billy Joel? I love that song, and I’d love for someone to feel that way about me. Really, and it sometimes makes me so made that no one does! That someone doesn’t look at me like they feel that way. It makes me angry. Yes, I know I could have been married by now, but it wasn’t right, and so I have to trust God.
I want to go to Haiti, all the time, even though I know that God has other plans, and when I find myself sad these last few days, I wish that I could kiss a muffin. I know that God has other plans.
I found myself wishing a friend would call to talk because I trust them, but they didn’t and I wasn’t brave enough to make the call myself.
So for my 2700th post I’ll tell you this, I’m sad. And mad. And somehow thankful that even in my brattiness of being me and being mad at the things I don’t have, and sad for the things my soul longs for, I trust God. And I love Him. And I know He is good.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll post something silly and fun! But today, I’m sad but still praising the God of the universe!