Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Monday, July 30, 2012

Lots of stuff rolling in my head

There is a lot of things that I am working out in my heart... I thought I'd share some of them with you.

I think a lot of people who look at me think I'm strong.
I can paint my whole house.
Work at a job, do ministry, blah blah.
I can do a lot of things, and the more I do, the more people ask.  
I think knowing that I won't say no.
Because usually I don't.
And when I do, I get this look.
Because they wanted me to.
Then I think about doing it.
Just so I won't disappoint them.
It doesn't mean I don't want to help people
It means that sometimes I have to say no


I have a lot of great friends, a lot of friends who I tell "my stuff to" but not a best friend.  You know why? because it's hard.  I had a best friend for a long time, she left.  To this day, I don't know if I did something, or she just decided to move on, I have no idea.  She left.  I trusted her.  She left.  She has a great life, thank God for facebook, her little muffin, that I fell completely in love with is growing so fast. Auntie Margie misses her, but she misses her best friend, too.

I have friends that I grow close with, I start to trust them, then their schedules get so busy that I can't  get a moment with them, no matter the effort I take, so I just think "only for a season" and I might still be friends with them, but there isn't always time to share everything.

I have friends who I will start to open up to, and then I get a bunch of lecturing, and I think "I'm just sharing with you, I don't really need advice, I just need someone to listen".  A lot of women need advice, but some women need to share.  They just need to work it out as they talk.  That's me, I've already got the instructions (The Bible), I just need to hear it outloud without the dark voices in my head clouding it all.  Which is part of the reason I blog, I work it out on paper.


All of that up there, coupled with a few other things has made me very independent in some ways.  You know I try to fix everything myself.  This has lead to many victories in my life. 
I can put furniture together (really only if it's from IKEA)
Fix plumbing
Fix my dishwasher
Do my own landscaping
Paint my house
Hang pictures
Lots of other things that I start out not having a clue about what I am doing but raising my hands in triumph

A lot of this is because sometimes I ask for help and there is a reason why someone can't help me.  So I do it myself, or I ask, and the person seems like they want to help, but they just don't have time, and I completely understand.  My personal favorite is when I ask someone (very close to me) if they can help me, they say they don't know how, and 4 months later someone else asks them and they learn (that's completely frustrating).  
My dad raised me to be independent.  I think it's a blessing for him because then I just do things on my own, less work for him, I don't know if that was his plan, but I think he might have just gotten lucky on that one.  In a lot of ways, I am thankful that he did that.

The problem with being independent is that I am not dependent on anyone else. Making my  life lonely.  I know that we were created to be in relationship with people.  We were made to have friends, we were created to be blessed and be a blessing to others (that is why we all have different gifts). 
Not having a best friend, made me go to God more, which is a huge blessing. And helped me to grow in my relationship with Him. Thankfully God never leaves us, but sometimes we just want someone to listen to us, in the flesh, be Jesus to us in a real way, like when they hug us when we are crying.
Being independent has made me grow in my self so that I can do more things, being braver every day, but it means that we don't allow people to bless us.

I can choose to be sad about a lot of things, or I can choose to be triumphant and ask God to send me people to help me grow and be better. Jeanne Mayo says to give what you need. If you need a friend, be a friend, if you need encouragement, give encouragement, if you need help, help others.  So while I'm waiting, I'll do just that.

An anonymous commenter, said that I should listen to a song, it was pretty good, I thought I'd share it.    It made me cry hopefully, you already know you're beautiful, and it won't make you cry too, but if not, listen to it, and know, God made you beautiful, I'm trying to relearn that. It's a hard lesson.

Psalm 139

Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!
I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
12     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
    Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
    your enemies misuse your name.
21 Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
    for your enemies are my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

1 comment:

Deb said...

You said it's for a season. There was a time when my life was filled with friends you were nearby - I was always busy with friends. Today - I really don't have any friends - except for my online friends - which makes it hard when you need a friend "here and now" - it's all for a season. For whatever reason I have allowed myself to distance from my friends - or perhaps it was a "God thing" - at any rate...I appreciated your post.