Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The big and small of it

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and we were talking about how much I like the background, the details… how often I am unnoticed in the things I do. Some people would hate that, but sometimes, to be honest, I like it. It means I’m living for an audience of one. But sometimes I’d prefer NOT to be invisible.

I would say that if anyone were to think of my personality, they’d think it was “BIG” and sometimes it is! And sometimes around others, I feel so small. Sometimes, even, invisible. I’ve text my daughter before saying “I hope someone remembers I’m here”.

I hate to be talked over. I’ve actually had to address it with people. And so since I hate that, I really try in my own life not to talk over people too, sometimes I’m good at it, sometimes not-so-much. If I am in a situation where I am talked over too much, I just stop talking, and I turn to observation mode. I usually start looking for things that need to be done… so you’ll find me sweeping, or cleaning… probably why I have no construction talent, I just can clean up after others. Or if I’m feeling that way, alone, because of something that happened earlier, I will start baking… cupcakes…

I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my day… That’s the beauty of being old. I used to get mad and yell about something as if to say “DON’T YOU SEE ME!?! I matter, I’m smart”, now, I try really hard to go into “meek” mode. I longfully await The (Holy) Spirit to say “shhhh” and calm me. Sometimes if I can’t wait my friend taught me to just breathe in His name “Jesus” and you might find me just saying His name until my spirit has surrendered. It brings a lot more peace and no need for me to apologize for being a jerk. I also made the decision that it’s better if I’m just hurt than me + anyone that I could have hurt or offended.

In all the “bigness” and “smallness” of me, God uses it. And I’m thankful. He’s cleaned up the messes of me, and made it glorious. Mud pies from mess I guess.

Matt 5:1-12

Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.
The Beatitudes
He said:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.


Jada's Gigi said...

I love your blog posts. :)

Joni said...

I can SO relate to this. Thanks for being so transparent.