Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Monday, August 06, 2012

I'm still afraid, but I'll do it afraid

I don’t talk about getting married much, mostly because I wonder if it will ever happen. I wonder if there is someone that I could lay all my chips on the table to and not have them hurt me like crazy. I’ve only done it twice in my life. You can only imagine how that has turned out :/

My requirements for a husband are not crazy. Starting with the fact that they must love Jesus.

There has always been the requirement that I must feel so comfortable with them that I feel beautiful. Not necessarily in the cute black dress, red shoes, hair in an updo sort of way but in a “I love lots of things about you, and you’re perfect for me even if we are in sweat shorts and t-shirts, you just got done cooking my favorite meal, you are who God created you to be (LOVE)” beautiful sort of way. (I know that seems totally totally stupid!)

Trust is a big thing with me. Mostly trust that I know you can take care of it. I have had to take care of almost everything in my life. I have had to be the one who makes sure that everyone is safe, I walk on the outside of the side walk to make sure everyone is ok, I’m last in line so that I can keep my eye on every single person. Here’s a thing about me… many don’t know. I always sit facing the door for a reason. My daughter knows why, and any man who is a man, knows why too. If something happens, you might have to take care of it. I only let the person I’m with face the door if I know that they can take care of it. It’s true. I have to trust someone enough to be safe.

I want to love with reckless abandon. I want to not only be the one loving but to be loved. I know people love me, don’t get me wrong, but there is great power in being weak, in taking down a wall so that someone can take care of your heart. For me to say “please do this for me, because… I’m a girl and you’re a boy – and I don’t feel the need to be strong all the time because I don’t have to with you”.

I rarely let people do things for me. The closest I have ever come to letting go of “I can do it all” was Phyllis’s graduation party. My friends came the day before (they made me!!) and helped me cut up fruit, set up tables, hang coat racks, pictures, whatever was needed. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me, not the physical act of the stuff (which was wonderful!!!!!!) but to trust someone enough to let them help me. You may never know how hard that was for me, but in doing hard things we get great reward.

It’s been a long couple weeks letting down my guard. Putting my chips on the table with people. Letting them see my heart, exposing it, truly scared out of my mind that if it gets exposed, it’s going to get hurt. But for the first time, in I don’t even know how long, I want to love and be loved.

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.

I started this crazy post about talking about dreaming of getting married. I actually have found myself these last few days thinking of that day. The dress, the destination of the honeymoon (New York!), the cake, the lighting, even his tie (LOL- ties are important to me). I always said I wanted a small wedding, but sometimes I dream of a wedding where everyone that loves me is there, smiling because they know how much I wanted this day, this kind of love, and they are so happy for me! It seems so crazy to me to even daydream about such a thing.

God has great plans for me. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love with reckless abandon

1 comment:

Jada's Gigi said...

Yes you are adorable! to love and be loved is the greatest challenge of all does require a lot of faith but letting go enough to experience it is a wonderful thing!