loving

I’m really good at loving.  I really open my heart to love others.  I think that because I didn’t have a mom, I think of the ways I want to be loved, and I love.  I used to be really great at birthday cards but somewhere along the way… I suck at it, which is crazy because I love love love cards.  Every Monday I used to send out encouragement cards to people so that half wayish through the week people would get some encouragement.  My goal was one book of stamps every Monday – 20 cards.

I’m not so good at being loved.  I never really learned about boundaries…  I used walls in order to keep myself “safe”.  And while the first part of  Proverbs 4:23 says Guard your heart above all else, I don’t think it means build a mote, a drawbridge, pay palace guards with AKA47s to watch it because the rest of the verse says:
    for it determines the course of your life.

There is a difference between setting a limit and erecting a wall.

I should have been in construction because I am a good wall builder.

I could give you a million reasons why I have built walls over the years.  I could show you scars and the weapons that people have used.  And it sucks.

And for that very reason, I have found myself busy, making a life.  Even loving people in the way that I would want to be loved.  I’ve seen the joy on their face when I love them, somehow it has sustained me enough to remind me how great love is, without actually having to open up fully because I might get hurt.

And actually, that’s a bad example I’ve set.  Because if I show people how to love, but never actually love myself, I don’t show the rewards in my own heart to loving.

I have good reason to hold back.  But no reason that is good. Loving and being loved is awesome, no matter the risk,  because the reward is far greater than the hurt I could feel, at least long term.  I  hope.

I’ve had many friends that have come into my life, and leave.  I’ve begun to open my heart to others, and then they just get to busy… or the time that we spent together gets filled up with other things, even though I did my best to carve out that time for them.  It hurts.

It hasn’t been a good night for sleeping because I’ve been thinking of all this.  I’m working on opening my heart more to be loved because lately, I’ve felt it, and it’s really been a great experience!  Even though it’s scared me a little everyday…  but it’s been amazing. 

I’m not sure where love will lead me…  but even when I’m afraid, I’ll take one step at a time.  Even if it hurts.