I remember a time when I couldn’t look someone in the eye for longer than a few seconds. As if looking at them too long would somehow make them see something I didn’t want them to see. And then it happened. I started to trust.
I can tell you that my relationship with Jesus has never been like this before in my life. I think I’m growing more to trust. Him. And others.
I spend days thinking to myself “I don’t really think You love me because I feel like You’ve left me with a gapping hole in my heart” and I was fine before. Why, for the love of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches did He do that?
It’s annoying.
I’ve yelled
“I DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THIS! I WAS FINE”.
Now I have stomach aches, pukes, I cry.
Didn’t You see? I was fine.
I heard a song the other day… Better than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant. Honestly, if someone had told me to listen to it before, I probably wouldn’t have. I “happened” to be driving in my car and it came on.
I have never been someone who hasn’t seen the blessings of God, even before I really knew Him (and I still don’t know Him fully, I never will), I’ve always been thankful. What’s all this about? I don’t want to be sad or even be mad. I was fine.
I didn’t need this summer, or did I ? It was a great summer, but it was hard!
What was the plan in all this?
I never wanted to go overseas, I surely didn’t want to go to Haiti. Find love that I never knew. Going and loving was great, but it was hard to leave. Almost seemed like my heart would come right out of my chest.
I was fine not knowing.
Hurting people hurt people.
I felt like so much had been healed in my life, to the point that I could stop myself before I hurt someone because I could see where my own hurt or fear was coming from. And now, it's more difficult, I have to hold hurt in so I don't hurt others, but still somehow allow God to heal me.
I feel like now, I have to fight lots of stuff.
Nothing happens without the permission of God. He’s that big.
But I wonder, what was the point of all this.
You know God, in a storm, I can praise You.
You know that I will serve You wherever I am.
I am so thankful for so much! But some of the stuff lately has me baffled.
I never looked people in the eyes for a very long time because I was afraid, not of what I would see, but what they might see. But I look now, I trust. Even if it’s hard. I still love even at the risk of having my heart broken… again. And maybe even again and again.
I’m thankful for so many things, I see His grace, love in mercy in lots of things around me, even when it seems like it’s a mess around me. It seems sometimes crazy to be thankful, to sing praises to God when our hearts hurt, but isn’t that where the rubber meets the road. Anyone can say how great things are when everything is sunshine and roses, but sometimes it’s cloudy, and roses die.
I don’t know what the point of all this is that is going on around me, but I do know that when the storm comes, sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes… He calms His child.
I'll just sit here and be quiet (and thankful)...
Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
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