Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Thursday, November 01, 2012

in this moment

I read this post from incourage, a daily devotional I get and it talked about how we put the things out there that are positive and the things we want people to see. I think it’s because we are afraid people won’t like us if we are a mess. Let’s face it, we are all a mess, and people still like us. Maybe it's because we want people to see the best in us, because Jesus is the best part of us. I’d venture to guess that in our pain, our struggles, people actually love us more. Because we are real, and getting through mess, is inspiring, because others see the rainbow after we’ve endured the rain. I wrote this the other day, and it’s still true in moments of today.

Here is the post I wasn't going to share... but this is just where I am...

Our youth group sang this song on Sunday after a bunch of students accepted/turned their lives back over to Jesus. I heard this song, and I just stood there and cried… thinking I could stop. And I’m too tired to run. And I am not sure I want to. I stood there thinking “I love You Jesus, but really? This is where You have me? It sucks, and I’m thankful for a big, strong God because I might have thrown a few extra words in there.

Why am I so distant? From everyone? Because I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself, disappointed in people, and disappointed in God. How about that?

I’m sick of being sick. If I have a 24 hour period of no puke stomach, I feel like that’s some kind of victory (which in the last two weeks or so has been once). He’s placing love in front of me, and tasks to complete, and I am doing them, because I know that’s what we do when we love Jesus, but I can’t say that I’m doing it with a cheerful heart. Thinking of 2 Cor 9:7 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And you know what I have thought “You’re just lucky I’m still standing here”. What? How dare I say that to God. That’s completely selfish, and a complete jerk face, and that’s truthfully where I am at some moments (especially the ones where I am about to puke) and sometimes I walk out of my house into the cold and rain and think “Thank You Jesus for power and heat and I ask Him to protect me in the rain and sleet”. How dare I?

Then I thought of James 4:7-9 7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.

And I think “I’m trying!!!” but am I striving?? I’m reading my bible, and listening to it, and only listening to music that will lift up Jesus (and me). Is my heart open to hearing Him, to obeying Him because I love Him not because I think I should.


1. to attempt to do or accomplish: Try it before you say it's simple.
2. to test the effect or result of (often followed by out ): to try a new method; to try a recipe out.
3. to endeavor to evaluate by experiment or experience: to try a new field; to try a new book.
4. to test the quality, value, fitness, accuracy, etc., of: Will you try a spoonful of this and tell me what you think of it?
5. Law . to examine and determine judicially, as a cause; determine judicially the guilt or innocence of (a person).


1. to exert oneself vigorously; try hard: He strove to make himself understood.
2. to make strenuous efforts toward any goal: to strive for success.
3. to contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict; compete.
4. to struggle vigorously, as in opposition or resistance: to strive against fate.
5. to rival; vie.

Which of those seems like smething I should do to get closer to God. I’m tired of having a stomach ache that makes me feel like I’m going to puke. I’m tired of puking. I’m tired of starting to cough and then looking for the nearest receptacle to puke in.

What’s the answer? The same as it always is… Jesus.

My life/heart does not necessarily reflect Jesus. I’d like it to… and only I can do something to change that. I am breathing Him in, praying, reading His Word, and sometimes it’s still hard. I am not peacing out on Jesus. I am just being honest in my struggle. Sometimes it’s just hard. But I’m striving towards Jesus.

And here is some truth for today: Eph 1:15-19 15-19 That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

I heard this song this morning.

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