Ever prayed one of those “if You do this God then I’ll do that God” prayers? And God comes through and we… well… I fall short. I try not to pray those kind of prayers.
There are all kinds of prayers.
And some of them aren’t so pretty.
I’ve prayed the kind where I am so desperate I’m sobbing prayers.
The double middle finger, I am so mad at You God prayers.
The I trust You with everything prayers.
The I love You so much prayers.
The other day I think I sobbed the whole time yelling prayers, the “why why why” prayers.
I’ve stood during the music part of worship and barely could hold my arms up because I love Him I was just so exhausted and stressed out and I knew He was good and I choose to serve Him even when it’s hard. That’s the test of your faith. It’s easy to love someone, anyone, including God when you get your way. But can you love when it’s hard, when things don’t go your way. Are you in it to win it? I always am. Even when my heart breaks.
It’s been kind of crazy for me the last few months. Like I said yesterday, I felt so relieved to have the fog lifted. I’ve always had times of pure exhaustion which can send me into depression. I know that some people need medication for it, and quite frankly, I thought this time, I was going to have to go on medication. I kept thinking “get your head on straight, slow down, but not too slow, stop sleeping, take your nutrition, just.keep.going” I waited for someone to say the right thing to me, for me to say the right thing to God, for the release. I kept thinking “this has to happen soon”. I just kept praying, He kept talking, saying things that I couldn’t believe He was saying – things that I didn’t expect Him to say like “keep loving, let go of the hurt but not the love” which seems so hard, but I’m getting it! That seems so basic, something God would totally say but not what I expected. He’s a surprising God I guess. A loving God for sure.
I am glad that through it all, through all the hurt, the heartache, the lonliness, all the madness of it all, I kept doing what I know to do, read the bible, pray, listen, seek, serve, one day God told me to cook for others, and I was arguing with Him… I didn’t want to… however, He’s a pretty persistant God when He wants me to do something… He kept echoing… sure I could have chosen to ignore it, but I am not really sure how… No matter how much I wanted to run, I stood still. Waiting.
I know the words that helped, and I don’t know why God didn’t send those words sooner, or maybe I wouldn’t have listened if it were sooner, who knows… I’m just so glad that I am feeling better. I still know that I am in a time of being still. Waiting to hear more direction from Him, seeking Him and His will. But it’s so great to feel better.
I am so thankful most of all that God loves me, and so glad that I clung to Him and people who love Him. People I know that were praying on my behalf for all things. From the big things, and the things like my crazy washer breaking… they prayed in all things, and God was with me through it all. And He still is.
I’m so thankful that I never give up, that I keep going, that I keep clinging to God, even if I am hurt. I’m thankful that God has made me strong, and that His strength is in me (that’s what actually makes me strong). I’m thankful that He has given me such strength, and such love.
Joy comes in the morning, and sometimes the dawn breaks in the middle of the afternoon when we are least expecting it.
2 Cor 4:16-18 16-18 So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.